Every Woman's Battle

Every Woman’s Battle

Every Woman's BattleThis book attempts to cover sexual and emotional issues effecting women. It’s easy to read and deals with sound principles based on Scripture. The book emphasizes that women struggle with sexual sins just as men do, but in different ways. The author points to the daily need to fight to live as children of God.

“The only reliable standard we can use to measure our thoughts to determine if they are appropriate or inappropriate is God’s Word.”

The book is divide into three parts:

  • Part 1: Understanding Where We Are – Not just man’s battle, Sexual integrity, Seven Myths that intensify the struggle, time for a revolution
  • Part 2: Designing a New Defense – Taking thoughts captive, Guarding your heart, Locking loose lips, Building better boundaries
  • Part 3: Embracing Victory in Retreat – Sweet surrender, Rebuilding bridges, Retreating with the Lord, All quiet on the home front

I particularly appreciated that she began and ended each chapter with Scripture passages that applied. “The only reliable standard we can use to measure our thoughts to determine if they are appropriate or inappropriate is God’s Word.”

Reading this book would be beneficial to singles, divorced, widowed or married women. Men, also, would benefit from reading the book to gain insight into women’s battles and how they differ from men.

Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fullfillment by Shannon Ethridge

Forward and afterward by Stephen Arterburn
Publishing Information: Alive Communications, Inc. Colorado Springs, CO

Reviewer: Muriel Manthey,
Review Date: March 2015

Is it my fault?

Is It My Fault?

Is it my fault?The book begins by defining abuse as “not necessarily physical.” Emotional abuse can be just as damaging – and at times more so. Ethicist Wolfgang Huber argues that “violence is better defined as the intent to hurt or torture, more than physical injury. Violence is the unrelenting assault on human dignity.”

“Your situation does not fall outside God’s reach of transformation.”

This book is meant for:

  • Victims and Survivors of Abuse
  • Pastors and Ministry Leaders
  • Friends and Family of the Abused
  • Women in General

While the authors indicate that there are men who are abused by their partners, they are a great minority. Thus the book is written to females, though males can certainly gain insight into the problems as victims as well.

This book is well written and very comforting in its understanding of the effects of violence, physical, sexual and emotional, on women. The authors insist throughout the book that only the abuser is at fault – that it is never the fault of the abused. They continue to assure that God has not abandoned the abused – that God sees and recognizes their pain and will help.

Since, often, the abuser will say that the woman is to “submit” to her husband, using a Biblical concept as an excuse to justify the continued violence, this book points to Bible passages and looks at what Jesus has to say about women, and what God has to say about suffering.

The Bible indicates that there is no virtue in enduring suffering if no greater good is at stake. We are not created to suffer. Examples given are Noah ,the Patriarchs, David, Israel at the times of the Judges, Esther, Paul, and even Jesus. Jesus walked away from people who wanted to stone him. David ran from Saul. The entire book of Judges is about suffering and getting away from it by the actions of God. God will often provide a way to escape from violence by normal, natural means. “Your situation does not fall outside God’s reach of transformation. God delivers, but sometimes the deliverance we hope for does not arrive as quickly as we’d like. Therefore….our hope is in the promise of deliverance. We can look to the future and the final deliverance with the return of Christ and we can actively position ourselves to avoid violence that is avoidable.” (p.124)

I would recommend this book to victims as well as counselors and pastors for insight as the depth of fear that can hold a victim in its grasp.

Is It My Fault? by Justin S. & Lindsey A. Holcomb

Reviewer: Joan Garrity
Review Date: September 2015

The Talk

The Talk

The TalkThe Talk is an excellent resource that provides a step-by-step, biblically-based approach to talking with your children about sexuality.  In our sexually saturated culture, our children are in danger of being introduced to sexual misinformation and secularized values about sex at a very early age.  Luke Gilkerson wisely advises, “Foremost, when it comes to parents teaching about God’s purposes for sex, being first is critical.  Parents should want to be their child’s first and primary source of information about sex.  And in a sexually broken world, filled with ungodly messages, waiting as long as possible to talk about sex is a risk no parent should be willing to take (p. 3).”

Foremost, when it comes to parents teaching about God’s purposes for sex, being first is critical.

The Talk is recommended for children ages 6 to 10, and is laid out in 7 structured devotions.

The topics covered include:

  • differences between men and women, including the differences between male and female sexual organs
  • a description of sexual intercourse and how babies are conceived
  • the development of human life
  • the bond that is created between a man and woman through sexuality
  • the sin of adultery
  • rape and sexual abuse (with an emphasis on talking to parents regarding any inappropriate touch)
  • the importance of honoring God with our bodies.

Each devotion is based on a portion of Scripture which emphasizes God’s love for us, and the guidelines he has given us regarding sexual behavior.  The chapters are laid out in a “script form,” and can be read word for word or adapted as a parent is comfortable.  The first few chapters include detailed diagrams, as well as links to free videos that can be watched through IntoxicatedOnLife.com.  Each devotion begins with questions that review the previous lesson, and ends with a prayer, as well as questions that encourage discussion and point to God’s love and guidance.

As a parent of young children, I have always made an effort to answer any questions my children had about sexual matters honestly.  However, I did not have plans to get into more detailed explanations for at least a couple years.  Reading this book led me to completely reconsider that mindset.  As a counselor I often work with adults who received unhealthy messages about sexuality at an early age, and continue to suffer the consequences.  I realized that I want my children’s first messages about sexuality to be the truth rooted in God’s Word, and The Talk provides a clear and comprehensive guide to do that.

I recently went through this book with my 9-year-old and 7-year-old, and it was a very rewarding and enjoyable experience. They were able to ask questions and share their thoughts in a safe and open environment, and they came away amazed at the way God has made our bodies and how He creates life.  I highly recommend this book to any parent committed to teaching their children God’s love and truth about sexuality.

The Talk by Luke Gilkerson

Reviewer: Sarah Reik, Licensed Professional Counselor, WLCFS Christian Family Solutions
Review Date: February, 2017

Closing the Window

Closing The Window

Closing the WindowWHY A BOOK LIKE THIS for a Christian Library?

A recent survey of Christians attending church indicated that 25 men and 10 women out of a hundred adults admitted to struggling with porn. Tim Chester’s purpose in writing his book is to help especially those who need to win their battle with porn, but he, also, desires to assist those wishing to help someone involved in porn. He warns the reader that porn is intriguing and entering into this to assist others presents a danger. He encourages the reader to listen to Paul’s warning in Galatians 6:1 that in helping a believer overcome a sin, be careful not to fall into the same sin.

If you preach the gospel in all aspects with the exception of the issues that deal specifically with your time, you are not preaching the gospel at all. —Luther

In his introduction Tim Chester addresses what he calls the “epidemic of pornography” today. He attributes it to two factors; 1)” an increasing permissive attitude in our society “ and 2) “ the acceleration of porn comes in the form of new technologies that can deliver porn into the home.”

He quotes psychologist, Dr. Alvin Cooper talking about the “the triple-A engine” that drives cybersex: Accessibility, Anonymity and Affordability. Tim Chester quotes Martin Luther when expressing the need to talk about porn in the church with words Luther was reported to have said, “If you preach the gospel in all aspects with the exception of the issues that deal specifically with your time, you are not preaching the gospel at all.”

Throughout the book five key ingredients are addressed: abhorrence of porn, adoration of God, assurance of grace, avoidance of temptation, and accountability to others. The author very clearly presents what porn is and does when he lists the TWELVE REASONS TO GIVE UP PORN. In this section he encourages the reader to look at Proverbs 5. The entire book draws us away from the world view of sex and marriage seen through the eyes of porn to look at how God can and has freed us. To God belongs the glory.

The conclusion gives us a summary review of the five key ingredients with questions for reflection, and David’s Psalm 51 for confession. The NOTES section at the back of the book gives you resources, authors and books for further reading.

Closing the Window-Steps to Living Porn Free By Tim Chester

Publishing Information: InterVarsity Press, PO Box 1400, Downers Grove, IL 60515-1426 (Permission from Inter-Varsity Press, Nottingham, England)

Reviewer: Elsa Manthey
Review Date: February 2017

Love Must Be Tough

Love Must Be Tough

Love Must Be ToughI read Love Must be Tough (LMBT) about 20 years ago and recently reread it. Dr. Dobson, the author, is a Christian psychologist and was a host on a popular Christian radio show beginning in the late 70’s and into 2000. His book, LMBT, provides helpful direction for troubled families, and in particular married couples.

You can make it, and even though it feels like God is unconcerned, He really does care!

When Dr. Dobson first wrote this book, it was a bit revolutionary because it opened a “new” door for struggling marriages. Marriage problems were generally “hush-hush” with victimhood and enablement the unsuccessful results. Dobson, as a Christian psychologist, was in essence giving couples permission to confront marital problems. Then, he encouraged active steps in order to bring wholeness back to the marriage relationship.

I feel that any struggling spouse could benefit from this book, especially the Christian. A Christian knows God wants them to forgive as God has forgiven them. I believe some Christians hesitate to deal with tough problems because they think they should forgive, forget and move on. Also, there can be great shame before God and Christian friends along with a fear of denunciation. Dobson’s book offers practical steps toward restoration.

As Dr. Dobson states, he “felt compelled to write this difficult book” because “infidelity and marital conflict are cancers” rising in epidemic proportion in the western world. (p.142) Throughout the book, he identifies the issues and shows how to approach and bring resolution. Adultery, abuse, passivity, finances, women’s liberation, homosexuality and addiction is discussed. He often uses correspondence or dialogue, bringing real-life practicality to the issues. Chapter 10 uses an actual radio show dialogue, hosted by Dobson on “Focus on the Family,” to help give an intimate glimpse at four spouses who faced troubled marriages. Chapter 12 examines the “Anatomy of Adultery” from the perspective of husband and wife.

I found LMBT a heartfelt discussion of the crisis in marriage today. Dobson’s tone is sympathetic yet firm, following Biblical principles. Dobson’s ability to address the fact that not all dying marriages will end alive and well gives the reader the correct perspective of the issue. Still, he encourages those who must face divorce to continue to hold to God’s love and seek his direction. In this regard I hoped Dobson would have given a stronger response.

In Chapter 10, Dr. Dobson expresses his support for those who face a breakup by reminding them of God’s love and says, “You can make it, and even though it feels like God is unconcerned, He really does care!” (p. 119) I believe this response is weak. The words are encouraging but they are just that-human words. Instead, I would expand and suggest daily Scripture reading and study; attending church; and searching for Christian support. Nothing can replace the wisdom of God as found in the Bible. A study of our unworthiness and sin; Christ’s compassionate forgiveness; and God’s unfathomable purposes would provide an excellent course of action.

Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson

Publishing Information: Word Publishers, 1983

Reviewer: Patrina Boehringer
Review Date: June 2015

I Loved a Girl

I Loved A Girl

I Loved a GirlOne of the great difficulties the church faces in talking about sex is the pervasive attitude that the only real barriers to sex are age and consent. Thus the only way to sin sexually is to have sex with someone who is unwilling or underage, or to have sex with one person while there is still a commitment to another. Even then, we don’t call it “adultery,” we call it “cheating;” the same word we use for not following a diet or the rules of a game. This leads to another difficulty we face: we always seem to approach sex as a list of “don’ts” rather than as a gift God gives to the married.

[She] wasn’t married…Consequently, she didn’t belong to anyone and I don’t understand who it is I have wronged.

In I Loved a Girl, Pastor Trobisch addresses both these difficulties. The book is a true story, a collection of letters between François, a teacher at a school in Africa, who loses his position as teacher and is put under church discipline when it is discovered he had casual sex with a young woman. Confused by this response he writes to Pastor Trobisch, as he was the missionary who first brought the Gospel to him and baptized him. What has he done wrong? After all he is unmarried, and all he did was love a girl. “[She] wasn’t married…Consequently, she didn’t belong to anyone and I don’t understand who it is I have wronged.”

As they correspond, François asks questions about sex and marriage of Pastor Trobisch, who patiently instructs François in what it means to truly “love a girl,” and how sex is more than a physical act but part of God’s blessing of marriage. The talk of sex in the book is frank and thorough, but never graphic. I gave the book to my 12-year-old daughter to read and have used the book every other year as a devotional in my 7th & 8th grade classrooms. I’ve found it especially useful there, as a common theme in the book is the blessing of marriage and how sex plays a part in that, rather than “Here Is a List of Things Not To Do.”

The book benefits from being a collection of letters, as the question of François and the answers of Pastor Trobisch naturally facilitate discussion. While the book is brief, you would be hard-pressed to find a more thorough exposition on the Sixth Commandment. There is no overt discussion of pornography or homosexuality, yet Pastor Trobisch’s approach – sex being part of the overall blessing of marriage – makes it easy to address those topics as well. The book also benefits from its clear pastoral tone; the law is always clear and unflinching, but you are never in doubt that this is a shepherd seeking a lost sheep, addressing repentance with beautiful, unconditional Gospel. Indeed, the book would be a welcome addition to a Pastoral Counseling or Pastoral Theology class.

In the end I have nothing but praise for this book. It is one I find myself often recommending to parents and parishioners when discussing the topics of sex and marriage, telling them I hope they find it as enjoyable and beneficial as I have.

I Loved A Girl by Walter Trobisch

Publishing Information: Quiet Waters Publications, Bolivar, Missouri 2009

Reviewer: Alexander Ring
Review Date: July 2015

Secret Sin

When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart

Two separate book reviews follow

Secret SinI like this book very much. The author begins with the story of her experience with an abusive husband, followed by involvement with men who have various sexual addictions, and how the Lord led her even when she did not know or desire it.

The Lord has not given me the liberty to give counsel outside of the parameters he has set forth in his Word.

This is series of letters to wives whose husbands are caught up in various sexual sin and perversion, from pornography to bestiality and just about everything in between. Gallagher consistently uses God’s word to warn, comfort, encourage, and advise these wives depending upon their situation. I especially like that she does not promote divorce, but sometimes advises separation with the hope of reconciliation.

Some of the subjects she addresses are: Dealing with Suspicion, The Unrepentant Husband, Dealing with Fear, Feeling Betrayed, and many more.

There are 56 letters in the book, most of which are two pages or less in length.

I would highly recommend this book, but caution the reader to read all the letters, not just those that tell you what you want to hear. You may take a letter that encourages one woman to leave her marriage and use that as an excuse to file for divorce, when your situation is completely different from the wife in the letter.

Gallagher states in her introduction that you can “find many books which, in the name of Christian love, give an alternative to those…in Scripture. The Lord has not given me the liberty to give counsel outside of the parameters he has set forth in his Word.” She carries through with that position throughout the book.

When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart by Kathy Gallagher

Reviewer: Joan Garrity
Date: March 2015

The key to his living victoriously is faithfulness and endurance.

Kathy Gallagher is a woman whose husband was not only addicted to porn, but addicted to other sexual sins as well. Steve, her husband, would often hire prostitutes while Kathy was working in addition to his porn addiction. Since then, Steve has left that life style, and he and Kathy have set up Pure Life Ministries. This ministry is geared toward counseling men who have sexual addictions along with counseling the hurting wife.

Though I was looking forward to this book, I did not care for it. The author claims in the opening pages that the purpose of this book “is to provide the hurting wife, with solid, biblical answers and practical solutions to everyday problems associated with being married to a man in sexual sins.” She does give practical solutions to everyday problems, but her biblical answers are not great.

The book is a compilation of response letters from the author to hurting wives who have written her letters. The reader does not see what the hurting wife has written, only the topic and the author’s response. Which presents a problem: not every chapter will relate to the reader. Not only that, but how can the reader know which chapter applies to her life? The author admits this saying, “As you read these letters you will find some that seem to encourage you along a path you have been taking that isn’t right. Let me explain…Perhaps you are weak, beaten down and would rather forget that you just discovered your husband is in adultery. You need the encouragement to be strong for your husband, as outlined in the letters to Judy and Robin. You wouldn’t want to follow the advice found in the letter to Kelly who wants to police every move of her husband.” Some of the chapters may never apply to a certain individual.

The motivation for change is also a problem as it was not focused on the gospel. She encourages the wife to be there for her husband a lot, but does not give the hurting wife encouragement that Jesus has paid for his sins. Throughout the whole book there are only a handful of times when the author makes mention of Jesus’ death on the cross for either a husband or a hurting wife. Even in sections encouraging the wife to forgive her husband she says, “…you can be free from your self-made prison today if you choose to repent of the hatred that has consumed your heart and then allow Christ to love your husband through you. Seems pretty impossible, huh? Not so! The reason you can do this is because Jesus showed us how.”

Throughout the whole book, the emphasis is primarily on what we do. She often says your husband can overcome his sexual sins, yet does not motivate him through the gospel. Rather she puts the emphasis on the husband, “The key to his living victoriously is faithfulness and endurance. If he remains diligent and chooses to do those things God has shown him, he will make it!” Even with the ministry they have going on at Pure Life Ministries, she does not give the gospel any reason for the change in men from their sexual sins. “But I am convinced, that there isn’t a sincere man alive, who couldn’t overcome his sin at the Pure Life live-in program. I say this because everything he needs to find victory is made available to him: a godly environment, counselors who have been there and who offer wisdom to overcome life-dominating sin, tight accountability, and most of all, a heightened sense of the presence of God.”

She does give some good practical advice that could benefit many different women whose husbands are dealing with sexual sins. However, there are so many different situations it might be hard for the reader to know which ones she should apply to herself and which ones she should not.

In her own story in the introduction, she makes a big deal of the Lord speaking to her, her husband, Steve, and her parents about what to do. This carries over to some of her letters where she tells the recipient to pray and listen for God’s guidance and he will tell the recipient what to do. In fact, she thinks that feelings are sometimes divinely inspired, “How do you know if your misgivings are rooted in fear and influenced by the devil or if they are based upon fact and divinely inspired.” That is a slippery slope to be heading down.

Overall, there were a few gems here and there, but it was mostly not good. Knowing that the only thing that changes hearts is hearing that Christ loves you so much that he laid down his life for you, I cannot recommend this book. Not when the main emphasis is on us with a splash of God will give you the strength to change.

When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart by Kathy Gallagher

Reviewer: Stephen Apt
Date: April 2015

Search

The Search For Significance

SearchWhen I selected this book for reading and review, I will honestly admit, I was out to debunk what I thought would be another book promoting humanistic philosophies of self-esteem. When I saw the title, red flags appeared. I assumed it was the kind of Christian self-help book what would promote the Laws of good works over the Gospel of Jesus’ redemption and forgiveness. Happily, I was mistaken – feeling great relief that Mr. McGee placed the sole emphasis on Christ.  “…the point is clear that Christ is the source of our security; Christ is the basis of our worth; Christ is the only one who promises and never fails.” (p. 24)

We must understand that this hunger for self-worth is God-given and can only be satisfied by Him.

Search for Significance is well organized and developed. It begins by identifying the problem, “…we…seek our security and purpose from worldly sources: our goals, personal success, status, beauty, wealth, and the approval of others.” (p. ix) The book continues by identifying these false goals with a chapter dedicated for each fallacy. Mr. McGee clearly develops his book with a rich use of Gospel promises and as a bonus, helpful charts. The book also includes a workbook which leads the reader into the study of God’s Word; reinforcing God’s promises and emphasizing its importance in one’s life.

I found the author’s straight-forward approach in confronting our problems very insightful and refreshing. He encourages truthfulness and honesty at our deepest level. One section particularly caught my attention, “Many of us mistakenly believe that God doesn’t want us to be honest about our lives. We think that He will be upset with us if we tell Him how we really feel. But the Scriptures tell us that God does not want us to be superficial in our relationship with Him, with others, or in our lives.” (p. 3) In addition, he brilliantly identifies the yearning or emptiness felt by all people as he describes one couple’s problem, “Unfortunately, they were depending on each other to fill a void that could only be filled by their Creator.” (p. 8) Furthermore, at the end of chapter one: “We must understand that this hunger for self-worth is God-given and can only be satisfied by Him.” (p. 11)

If I were to make any changes they would be few but important.  I do not prefer the term “self-esteem” and would change it to “completeness.” I understand that “self-esteem” is readily understood, but I believe it carries to much humanistic baggage. I would prefer “completeness” because through Christ we are restored to the fullness and forgiveness desired by God. As it is written in I John 4:12, “God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.”

Secondly I was concerned when in the introduction. Mr. McGee wrote, “When God gave me the essence of this book in 1980 while I was directing counseling centers in Houston, I never would have guessed that over the next twenty-three years it would be received as enthusiastically and change as many lives as it has.” Not only does this sound a bit pompous but claims some direct revelation from God. This is a dangerous statement as it might imply direct communication with God, which would be mysticism – at teaching which the author has rightly condemned in his book.

And thirdly, I was extremely pleased that the source of his writing was taken from Scripture, but sorry that Mr. McGee did not mention the use of the Holy Sacraments in supporting our faith in Christ.

I would recommend this book as a useful guide for those caught in the destructive cycle of self-condemnation or worldly success.  The book carefully instructs one to examine our false beliefs against the wonderful promises of God’s complete and total love.

The Search for Significance: Seeing Your True Worth through God’s Eyes by Robert S McGee

Publishing Information: W Publishing Group: 1998 (337 pages)

Reviewer: Patrina T. Boehringer
Review Date: March, 2015

Wired

Wired For Intimacy

WiredPorn changes your brain.  The vast advances in neuroscience in recent years have uncovered the tragic results of pornography usage on the brain and body itself.  Neuroscientist William Struthers explains just a few of the effects in this worthy read.

Pornography teaches its students to focus on the physiology of sexual sensations and not on the relationships for which those sensations are intended.

Let me begin this review with what the two things I found lacking in Struthers’s work.  First, I longed for him to make more pointed applications of his in-depth research and understanding of the wiring of the human brain.  Often, he would spend pages describing the intricacies of the brain…but then left me with only generic applications of what that meant for me when it came to the temptation of pornography.  Pointedly applying his expertise would have been greatly appreciated.

My second critique is perhaps unfair—I would have loved to have seen more hope offered in the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Since so many sexual strugglers carry shame and guilt, the very topic nearly requires lots of reminders of God’s love, Jesus’ forgiveness, and the power of the Holy Spirit to cleanse us of past sins.  I don’t sense that this was the point of his book, but I appreciate that reminder nonetheless.

Overall, however, I put my highlighter to good use in this book.  The author begins with an eye-opening overview of what porn has done to our culture, noting the detachment of intimacy from the sexual act.  “Pornography teaches its students to focus on the physiology of sexual sensations and not on the relationships for which those sensations are intended.”  Later in the same chapter, he remarks, “Men believe they should make love like a porn star to a woman who should look like a porn star.  Rather than being who he is with the woman he is with.”

In the chapter “Your Brain on Porn”, Struthers unpacks the circuitry of the brain and how porn rewires it.  “With each lingering stare, pornography deepens a Grand Canyon-like gorge in the brain through which images of women are destined to flow…All women become potential porn stars.”  The most stunning point to me personally was his understanding and explanation of the chemicals released in the brain during porn use (like dopamine and norepinehprine), which physically teach our bodies where to direct their energy and focus.  That means that our bodies, after frequent porn use, develop a craving like a drug addict would have!  With every peek and click, the brain finds it harder and harder to say, “No.”

Finally, I have to share my favorite section of the book, which dealt with masturbation.  There is much debate whether masturbation is sinful in and of itself or just sinful in the majority of cases where lust for a non-spouse is involved.  Evaluating various views held among Christians, Struthers concludes, “Masturbation is playing with neurochemical fire.”  Meaning?  He explains how the chemicals released during masturbation, even if our personal thoughts aren’t sinful in themselves, will nevertheless bond us to something.

His conclusion?  “You will be bound to something, because that is what it does neurologically—it associates the orgasm with something.  The question to be asked is, ‘What is it binding you to?’”  Even a husband masturbating to a fantasy about his wife is binding himself to the fantasy and not the real woman God has given him.  While this may not end the debate among Christians, it’s a strong warning about playing with this “fire”.  You might just get burned.

Overall, I wouldn’t put Struthers’s book on the top of my list for helping those struggling with pornography.  However, it is a great read to understand the physical dangers that pornography presents with every click.

Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks The Male Brain by William Struthers

Other Information: Intervarsity Press, Downers Grove, IL: 2009. (189 pages.)

Reviewer: Mike Novotny
Review Date: August, 2013

Porn Free

Porn Free

Porn FreeWhile always good intentioned, many ministries, books, and articles designed to help Christians escape the trap of pornography are simply spiritually-packaged self-help sermons.  “Porn is bad,” they say, “so stop looking at it!”

Personally, I have never seen anyone recover from sexual addiction that remained in silence.

This is not one of those books.

Like a breath of fresh gospel air, Brian Gardner has written a book about porn that is primarily not about your obedience, but about the unconditional love of God.  Gardner, a teacher and pastoral counselor from Columbus, certainly does offer helpful advice about battling pornography in Porn Free, but his most helpful thoughts are not his good advice, but God’s good news.

Thankfully, his book is filled with it.

Both personally and as a member of Conquerors through Christ, I thanked God for a Christian voice like Gardner’s that sees the need to make the gospel primary and to stress the necessity of public confession of porn use.  What we continue to preach at CtC (“Jesus forgives impurity!  Now, go tell someone you need help!”) was reflected and applauded by Gardner on page after page.

Gardner’s work begins with a vulnerable confession:  “I tried to stop, but the power to do so seemed out of my reach.  When I tried to approach God about my problem, I felt guilt and shame.  I would promise to do better and fail within days, or hours, or even minutes…I decided I could stop on my own, without telling anyone.  I would stop—tomorrow,” (p.ix).

By God’s mercy, Gardner came to see his need for help, God’s ridiculously relentless grace, and the power of bringing the darkest part of his life into the light.

Yet, far from being a personal memoir, Gardner writes helpfully, engagingly, quotes experts widely and always comes back to the gospel.  My highlighter ended up a few shades duller by the end of the book.  Some of my favorite quotes included:

  • “One thing that everyone agrees on in dealing with sexual sin is the importance of confession.” P.xiii
  • “Porn turns women into objects to be consumed.  Like a bucket of fried chicken, a woman is nothing more than breasts, legs, and thighs.” P.22
  • “With around a half billion pages, it’s easier to find porn on the Web than a good deal on a set of tires.” P.42
  • “Idols always deliver something…The problem is that it’s never enough.” P.51
  • Beware of inherent legalism:  “If I stay away from porn, God will be happy with me.” P.60
  • “Personally, I have never seen anyone recover from sexual addiction that remained in silence.” P.132
  • “Whenever we find a call from the New Testament to obey God and his law of love, it is based on the finish work of Christ on our behalf, motivated by the love of Jesus, empowered by the Spirit.” P.106

These and many more powerful thoughts make Brian Gardner’s Porn Free the best book I have yet to read on the subject.  Besides a few comments about the potential of forgiveness (instead of the accomplished work of Christ) and the necessity of inviting Jesus into one’s heart (instead of faith as a gift of the Holy Spirit), I would recommend that anyone struggling with porn or desiring to help those with porn read this book.

Porn Free by Gardner, Brian

Reviewer: Mike Novotny
Review Date: January, 2014