Overcoming Grief During Immigration

By Carolina Acosta
Words that describe the impact of imigration on three generations post immigration

Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation. Psalm 71:18

The Immigration Experience series - Christian Therapist Network
Packing our life in 8 suitcases…

Purpose
The purpose of this immigration story is to share our family’s experience and allow others to compare their family’s experience to ours. What things do we people living in America share in common with each other as far as immigration is concerned? Another purpose is to encourage therapists and pastors to explore immigration issues with clients and members. A third purpose is to encourage immigrants to share their stories as a help to their healing and as a legacy to younger generations of their families. This blog is not scientifically researched. It is Christian and theologically driven.

Things my Grandfather told me.

It is with a lot of uncertainty that I share this story of immigration. Is it accurate? I did not experience it. I am writing this in 2024. My Grandfather, Paul Siggelkow, and Grandmother, Ida, came to the United States from Germany in 1912 on the ship, President Lincoln.

I will be relating stories my Grandfather told me in the late 1950s and the early 1960s. So, this is oral history passed down through several generations. I was able to check my Grandfather’s account a little by comparing what he told me to the recollections of his eldest daughter, Gertrude (Koepsell). She was three when they arrived at Ellis Island in New York. My other aunt, Paula (Rabinak), was about one year old. My father, Henry, would be born in America in 1919. I thank my cousin, Art Koepsell, for sharing my Aunt Gertrude’s memories with me. They were written for her grand-children.

 

5 stages of Grief

I would like to divide my story into several sections:

  1. Change
  2. Fear
  3. Loss
  4. Prejudice and Persecution
  5. Lessons Learned for the second and third generations
  6. Lessons I learned from my Grandpa
  7. The impact on my thoughts about present-day immigration
  8. A Scriptural Perspective

 

  1. Change: Germany to America

Grandpa was born in 1888.  He described his life in Germany as what I would imagine to be quite typical of the time.  His father, Heinrich, had fought in three wars for the Kaiser before he was married.  Heinrich was traveling back home from the last war when he came through a village and my Grandpa said, “There he saw the most beautiful girl in the world, my mother.”  My Great-grandmother raised her daughter and two sons without allowing them to go to church.  The rulers of Germany had demanded that the churches in the land be a combined Lutheran and Reformed faith and my Great-grandmother was going to raise her children to be Lutheran.  She told her children that the pastors did not teach Luther’s teachings so she taught them herself.

Great-grandpa was a carriage builder.  Grandpa became a blacksmith and his brother, William, became a carpenter.  Grandpa began his blacksmithing as an apprentice at age 14.  He did his journeyman work at various shops in Northwestern Germany, including one on the Elbe River, out-fitting fishing boats.  He worked as a master smith shoeing horses in Hamburg, Germany.

In 1912, Great-grandpa told his sons, “I smell gun powder and this time I believe that Germany will lose.  I want you boys to think about moving to either South Africa or America.”  My Grandpa’s sister, Anna, had already come to America at age 14 to serve as a nanny on a ranch in Montana.  She had moved to Milwaukee and was working at Concordia College as a house keeper.  Grandpa and his brother and their families came to Milwaukee.

My Grandpa did not talk about his emotions very much.  But he did say that when they took a train from New York to Milwaukee, he saw how dirty it was and he thought, “I left Germany for this?”

  1. Fear

They arrived in Milwaukee and were befriended by members of Holy Ghost Lutheran Church.  My Grandfather enrolled in what we would call, English as a Second Language Class, at the church.  Their text-book was Luther’s Small Catechism.  The book was in German and English.  When you held it open one page was German and the opposite page was English.  Grandpa and his family were attending church and learning a new language and culture and the importance of faith in their lives from people who cared about them.

But before he learned any English he had to get a job to earn some money.  Someone pointed him to a blacksmith job opportunity in North Milwaukee along Villard Avenue. Grandpa described standing at the trolley car stop, praying that he could find the right street and get the job.  The trolley car stopped and the conductor opened the door and looked at Grandpa in his German clothing.  The conductor shouted out the door in German, “Wo willst du gehen?”  “Where do you want to go?”  Grandpa said he thanked God and found the right place and got the job.  God was with him.

  1. Loss:

I don’t believe my Grandfather ever saw his beloved mother again.  After World War I Grandpa found out that the artillery unit he had belonged to in Hamburg, Germany, was completely wiped out during the first two weeks of the war.  The ship they had traveled on to get to America was sunk during the first year of the war.  World War I broke out and the USA was leaning more and more towards joining the fight against Germany.

I never heard my Grandfather speak German.  He had learned English shortly after immigrating.  My Grandmother once told me that she did not think Grandpa could read German Script (cursive hand-writing) any more. She had to read the letters from relatives back in Germany to him.  Did he lose the language of his birth?  He could speak English and he was gainfully employed and would own property and vote.  He came into the United States by legal channels and was soon a citizen. The USA went to war twice against Germany during my Grandpa’s lifetime.  Perhaps that had something to do with him not speaking German.  In those early years when he and his family attended Lutheran church services every Sunday the service was all in German.  But I knew my grandpa 30 years later.  He attended English services then.

Did he lose the culture of his birth?  Grandpa asked my brother if my brother was ashamed of his German heritage.  My brother was not.  Grandpa was happy.  But there must have been a sense of loss or displacement or shame that was still there 60 years after he immigrated for him to ask that question.

  1. Prejudice and Persecution:

During World War I the recruitment posters for the US Armed Services depicted the Germans as “Huns.”  They are pictured big and strong and blond and have sharp teeth with blood on their mouths and their hands.  Prejudice was strong.  Germans were the enemy.  US federal agents, working undercover, were spying on the actions and words of Lutheran pastors at that time.  Some pastors were imprisoned for not preaching from the pulpit that their members should buy war bonds to support the war, even though the bonds were sold after the church services in the back of the church.

Grandpa read about land for sale in a Milwaukee paper and bought some land in Northern Wisconsin near present-day Hiles. Huge trees were recently cut down on the land by the lumber companies.  The land was cheap.  He moved with his family to what they hoped would be their farm.  But the advertisements did not mention the large stumps and huge boulders that had to be moved to make it into farm land.  Grandpa was working as a blacksmith for the Fish Lumber Company as he tried to clear the land for his farm.

During World War I the US government did not allow Grandpa to leave the farm.  He was not allowed by the government to move from the farm.  He had his hunting rifles and all his weapons taken away.  He was subsistence farming and he could not hunt to provide for his family.  Even though he was an American citizen, he was still a German immigrant.  Germany was the enemy of America and Grandpa and his family had recently come from Germany.  He told me that he had planned to clear the land and build a house and barn on it and sell it for a profit after three or four years.  He talked about the difficult financial problems these restrictions prohibiting him moving and not allowing him to have a hunting rifle gave him.  He had planned to sell the farm at a profit after three or four years once he had cleared the land and built buildings on it.  He was not allowed to move from the farm and so it was twelve years instead of three or four years before he could sell the farm at a profit.  He said, “For those 12 years we were on the farm we never had much money, but we sure ate well.”  God took care of them.

Grandpa talked about his daughters being persecuted in school because they were German and spoke German at home.  In her memoirs, written for her grand-children, my aunt does not mention this, but she told stories to her children about it.  She does mention how much she liked her teacher, Miss Horne.  In first grade she was asked by Miss Horne to say in English, “I see the boy.”  She knew what “I” meant and what “boy” meant.  But what did “seeda” (see the) mean?  All she could think of was the “cedar” wood that my Grandma used as kindling to start a fire in the kitchen stove.  Language made things difficult.  She and her teacher and the other students seemed to have laughed about this.

Grandpa reported that he was asked during World War I if he served in the German army when he lived in Germany.  He said, “Yes.” “How did you like it?” was the next question.  He said, “I loved it.”  He did not help himself escape persecution. He explained to me that he loved the army service because he had been in a smoky blacksmith’s shop since he was 14 and in the army he got to ride horses in the open air during training.  Unfortunately, his listeners probably viewed his words in a more dangerous way.

Later, just before World War II, my Grandpa had a mustache that extended in a vertical strip from his nostrils to his upper lip.  It was just like Adolph Hitler’s mustache.  My Grandpa’s barber told him, “Paul, I am going to do you a favor,” and shaved the mustache off.

  1. The impact of my Grandfather’s immigration experience on future family generations

My father, served in the US Armed Forces in the South Pacific during World War II.  He desperately wanted to go to college in the 1930s, but it was the time of the Great Depression and they could not afford it.  My father became a master plumber instead.  He brought his family to church for worship every Sunday.  My mother taught Sunday School classes for much of her adult life.  God’s Word was a part of our inheritance. Our parents had learned God’s Word from their parents and we learned it from our parents.  Hard work was another lesson we learned.  My father built two bedrooms and a bath upstairs in two homes they lived in and remodeled a kitchen, a basement, and several bathrooms in those homes.  Family was important and we spent many great times with our cousins.  God blessed my father with long life.  Like my Grandfather, he kept busy well into his 90s with all kinds of projects.  He did the wood working and my mother did the art work on the many things he made.

What is the impact of my Grandparent’s immigration experience on my children?  It is not as direct as it was on my father and me.  It has to do with how my wife and I learned to live our lives and set our values and how we show these values to our children and grand-children.  Recently, in my retirement, I am trying to share what I learned from my Grandpa’s immigration experience with my grand-children.  That means that I intentionally tell my grand-children the stories my grandfather told me.  I share.  I communicate.  Sometimes they may appreciate it.  Sometimes they may not.  But the communication is important.  How will they know if they have not been told?

generations

  1. Lessons I have learned from my Grandpa:
  • Hard work is necessary, enjoyable, and rewarding. God gives specific gifts to each of us. Grandpa worked hard all his life using his gifts.  He said that when they moved to northern Wisconsin to the farm the road ended three miles from their homestead so he carried the finished lumber the three miles on his back from the wagon to the farm.  He built that house and later built several rental cottages for his brother-in-law.  He worked well into his 70s.  His last job was as a tool and die maker in Milwaukee.  In his retirement, he gardened and made furniture for his children and grand-children and repaired his neighbor’s lawn mowers.   God had given him skills and he used them.
  • Education is important. Grandpa did not have much formal education.  But he was a voracious reader.  He learned by doing.  He built a row boat and a sail boat by hand.  He encouraged me and all of his other grand-children to pursue higher education.  We grand-children are two Lutheran pastors, three Lutheran school teachers, two nurses, and one social worker/criminal justice worker.  His personal education in his retirement was what he learned from his extensive travels around America during those years.  The different people and places were exciting for him.
  • The church and God’s Word is the guide for our lives and the joy of our eternity. There we learned about Jesus.  Grandpa attended church regularly once he came to America.  He was president of at least two of the three congregations at which he was a member.  He encouraged his grand-children to get Christian education and to serve the church by doing so.   My father was president of his congregation and served the church on various boards and committees.  My father also sang in the church choir for about 52 years.   My grandfather once confessed a sin of his youth to me.  I assured him of God’s forgiveness through faith in Jesus.  He was at peace and so was I.  My Grandpa’s last words to me were:  “I will see you next in heaven.”

 

  1. The Impact On My Thoughts Regarding Present-day Immigrants:

Clients often need to share and therapists need to know about the immigrant experiences of their clients.  How much of my Grandpa’s story do you see in your immigrant story or in the story of your client in your therapist’s office?  Therapists need to ask and explore their client’s immigration experiences.  They will all be different.  But they are all important.  They may involve trauma or past sins or fear or loss.  These immigrant experiences, even for the second and third generations, may have shaped their lives in ways that will be helpful for therapists to know as they seek to provide Christian Counseling to their clients.  I would suspect that fear and anxiety and loss will be consistent themes in the stories.  Many stories may involve escaping from something in the country of origin and seeking something better in a new country.  The immigrant experiences of families shape the values and thoughts of individuals in those families.  Each story will be unique to the individual.  Listen carefully.

Prejudice:  We are all blood-bought souls who are precious to God.  Some political ads today talk about immigrants as being murderers and rapists and illegals.  My grandpa was a legal immigrant and already an American citizen, but he was a cruel, rapist, invading Hun in the minds of some because he was German.  On the other hand, my Grandpa did not speak kindly about people he viewed as ignorant. In the context of his words to me, ignorant meant uneducated and different from him. How much of that was prejudice?  Was a person who experienced prejudice also showing prejudice?  Aren’t we all racists at times?  Don’t we all fear those who seem to be different?  Share how we are all a part of God as his children, created and redeemed and loved by him with clients and with your family.  Don’t expect that those who have experienced racism will not have racist thoughts themselves.

We are all God’s children.  God’s Kingdom is inclusive. We like to classify people as “the same” and “the others.”  God does not do that.   On the day of Pentecost, look at the record of nations in the church of Christ.  Acts 2:9-11 God sent His Son Jesus to pay for the sins of every human being on the cross and Jesus did that perfectly, as proven by His resurrection from the grave.  Every human being is special to God because Jesus has died for the sins of the world — no one is left out.  II Corinthians 5:19 “God was reconciling the world unto himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them.  He has committed to us the message of reconciliation.”   Every human being is a precious soul to God.  Every human being is a precious soul to those who believe in God.  We Christian therapists need to speak, live, act, and counsel that truth.  Our clients need to be reminded by God’s Word how much He loves them.  They are his children. Skin color, race, culture, language, political persuasion, national identity – the human differences in size, shape, language and work and education opportunity — don’t matter to our God of love.  They should not matter to us.  All of God’s children need to communicate God’s love to each other.  We are all God’s children.

Each immigrant is a valuable addition to our society, culture, and church.  The history of American agriculture, science, art and culture, religion, politics, manufacturing, and education and many other areas has been enriched by immigrants sharing the blessings that God has given to them through the national life and culture of the country of their birth to enrich American life and culture.    When they trust in their Savior, they are our brothers and sisters in Christ.  When they do not believe in Jesus, they still are souls beloved by God.

Immigrants are the best of their homeland.  In most cases immigrants are the people who are the adventurous frontiersmen of modern society.  They are generally hard-working, brave, and gifted.  They leave to start again. They are the modern-day Native Americans who moved from Asia into the Americas.  They are the modern-day colonists who came to this new land.  They are people with commitment and daring and strength and hope who leave to escape danger and seek safety. They leave with hope in their hearts and trust in their souls.  When they share a trust in Jesus as their Savior with us, we and they are members of God’s Kingdom together.  But we are all God’s creation and we all are loved by him.

How quickly we assimilate into American culture.

My brother told me that when Grandpa asked him about his feelings about his German heritage, he was in his late teens and thought of himself as an American.  I thought back and I don’t think I thought about having a German heritage until my Grandpa began talking to me. My brother and I agree that we were very self-absorbed in our own teen lives.  We just did not think about the immigration struggles of older family members.  We wonder today what the impact of World War II against the Germans had on our thinking.  The war ended only 12 years before my Grandfather told me his stories.

Immigrants should share their stories within their families.  Their stories enrich the generations that follow.  This is how they can lead and show their future generations that life is more than work.  It is rejoicing in the blessings of God as He blesses their boldness and their trust in Him.  Much in current American culture might make immigrants and their children feel ashamed or feel like they are not like those who are here before them.  We are all immigrants or members of immigrant families in our country.  Share your stories with pride.  For some of our families, the immigrant generations are the heroes of our families.

Be honest about sin and grace when sharing stories.

When we tell our stories, we will be talking about successes and failures of people in our families.  Heroes have faults also.  They were sinners just like we are.  Jesus is their Savior as he is ours.  Not every bad thing about our immigrant relatives or about our immigration experience needs to be shared or highlighted with our children and grand-children.  We do, however, learn from the mistakes of others.  Share what builds up and strengthens.  Work hard at stressing God’s love and support and care as it is demonstrated in the lives of our immigrant family members.  Talk about the sins of past family members and about the wonderful forgiveness of God to them in Jesus Christ.

  1. A Scriptural Perspective

The following thoughts are a part of the impact of the words of God in Scripture that flow through my mind as I write this essay.  This will not be all-inclusive on the subject of immigration.

God sent Jesus to die for the sins all people in all the world.

We are all sinners in need of a Savior. 

Romans 3:23 “There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

We all have the same Savior.

II Cor. 5:19 “God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.”

I John 2:1-2 “My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.”

We all are ambassadors for Christ.  God is using us to proclaim his message of love to all people.

 II Cor. 5:20 “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.”

God’s Old Testament message of community applies to us.

It applies with two disclaimers, as I quote from an essay by Professor Kenneth Cherney of Wisconsin Lutheran Seminary

“The following disclaimers may be so obvious that stating them is unnecessary, but I will state them anyway.  Number one:  The United States of America is not sixth-century Judah.  Judah was a constitutional monarchy:  the Torah was its constitution, the house of David was its monarchy, and both were established by God.  The USA, on the other hand cannot claim divine origin or sanction for either its form of government or its leadership.  For us believing Americans, our closest analog is the Judahites living post-586 BC in exile in Babylon  Jer. 29:4-7, not pre-586 BC in Judah under the house of David.  Furthermore, today the analog of Jeremiah’s Judah is the visible Christian church, not the USA.  Since our nation was founded, no end of harm has been done by equating Americans (at least, the ones whose ancestors came from Europe) with the people of God.  The current rise of Christian nationalism shows that the confusion has not ended; in fact, as we enter another election cycle, it may be just getting started.

“Disclaimer number two:   the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod (WELS) is also not sixth-century Judah.“  (Cherney, Kenneth, “To Pull up and to plant:  Jeremiah Preaches to a Nation in Crisis,” Wisconsin Lutheran Quarterly, Vol. 121, No. 3, Summer, 2024).”

The message of Jeremiah applies to us because sin remains sin and repentance remains repentance and gracious forgiveness from God remains gracious forgiveness from God for all people of all generations living at every age in the history of this world.

Lev. 19:18 “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

John 15:12 My command is this:  Love each other as I have loved you.”

Mark 12:30-31  “ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

Jer. 7:4-6  “Do not trust in deceptive words and say, “This is the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord!” If you really change your ways and your actions and deal with each other justly, if you do not oppress the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow and do not shed innocent blood in this place, and if you do not follow other gods to your own harm, then I will let you live in this place, in the land I gave your ancestors for ever and ever.”  Social justice is important to God.  Jeremiah is speaking the words God instructed him to preach to the people of Judah of his day.  These words apply to us today in the land our immigrant ancestors moved to as we consider our actions and attitudes towards those who are joining us as our neighbors in the earthly nation God has allowed us to inhabit with them.

Eph. 2:19-22 “You are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household, 20 built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21 In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22 And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.”  God builds up his Kingdom from every nation, even our own.  His Kingdom is built on the foundation of the Word of God and not on any racial or national foundation.

Matthew 28:18-20 Then Jesus came to them and said, ‘All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age’.”    Jesus tells us about the power of his love and gives us a command to share the message of that powerful love to all people.  He gives all of his believers a beautiful and comforting promise, even when change seems so frightening.

The early New Testament Church involved people of all nations from its very beginning on the Day of Pentecost.  Acts 2:8-11Then how is it that each of us hears them in our native language? Parthians, Medes and Elamites; residents of Mesopotamia, Judea and Cappadocia, Pontus and Asia, 10 Phrygia and Pamphylia, Egypt and the parts of Libya near Cyrene; visitors from Rome 11 (both Jews and converts to Judaism); Cretans and Arabs—we hear them declaring the wonders of God in our own tongues!”

Conclusion

The immigration of people from one part of the world to another has been going on since the creation of the world when God created Adam and Eve.  Their descendants have been moving from place to place for all of history.  Noah’s descendants continued the movement, especially after the Tower of Babel event.  In more modern history we have seen empires rise and fall because of the movement of peoples.  The Visigoths moved into Italy and Spain.  The Franks moved into France.  The Goths and the Mongols Scandinavians, Poles, Danes, and just about everybody moved into Germany.  The Angles and Saxons moved into Britain.  The Native Americans moved into the Americas.  China and Asia have a history of the movement of people into it and out of it.  People of all nations and races have moved from one place to another.  God loves everyone.  He loves those the Romans and modern-day historians call the Barbarians and he loves the immigrants who are entering the USA today.  We all have immigrants in our family history or we are immigrants ourselves.  The timing of the immigration experience may be different for each family, but the immigration experience occurred in each family’s history.

Share God’s love with all people as you show your love to all people! 

II Cor 5:19-20 “God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20 We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.”

Thank God for his blessings of family and his protection throughout family generations

For yourself and with your client or member in your office, say a prayer of thanksgiving to God for his protecting hand throughout the turmoil and trauma, fear and uncertainty of the immigration experience for the people who were the immigrants of our families.  Confident in the forgiveness of Jesus ask God to forgive us for our racist thoughts and actions.  Ask God for strength to serve his people who are immigrants with love and wisdom and compassion.  Yield to God’s will as we see his gracious hand working to guide and protect all who believe in him.

Romans 8:28 “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

This entry is part 2 of 5 in the series The Immigrant Experience

Overcoming Grief During Immigration

By Carolina Acosta

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

The Immigration Experience series - Christian Therapist Network
Packing our life in 8 suitcases…

“Leaving a beautiful country where you grew up surrounded by your uncles, grandparents and a bunch of unruly cousins was without a doubt one of the most important decisions we have had to make in our lives, especially because my children would not grow up knowing how wonderful it is to have to all your family around. Turning around and seeing what we left behind today still hurts, I think you just learn to live with that on your chest. But when I look ahead and realize that the future that awaits your children will never compare to what they would have had if we had not made the decision. My soul feels relief, it comforts me to see them achieve things that I never even imagined they would experience, I feel pride. Without a doubt, coming to a country of opportunities, where culturally there is respect for the laws and Society to provide a better quality of life to my family is a high price to pay, for all the family affection that we leave behind. That is why to help us in adaptation we unintentionally cling to friends, who then become your new adoptive family, perhaps seeking to compensate for that affection that you miss, but on the other hand you also learn another level of family union because now we only have each other. Without a doubt something difficult about the adaptation apart from the family detachment was the language, it was frustrating to feel that we couldn’t communicate in the simple things that we have to solve on a daily basis, but nothing that with some time and effort we couldn’t overcome. Today I can proudly say that I have a blessed, beautiful, and incredibly united family. My children are building a successful future at the hand of God, so it was worth it a thousand times PACKING OUR LIFE IN 8 SUITCASES. “

These words were written by my cousin, Carolina Ponte, when I asked about her experience moving from Venezuela to the USA, 12 years ago. She and her family (her husband and two kids, 8 and 3 years old) came to the USA because her husband accepted a job offer to work as an engineer in Conroe, Texas.

My cousin and her family suffered the grieving process that comes after a loss, as she indicated, not only the material things they left behind, since they could only carry two suitcases each, but also the most painful thing was the detachment from the family and friends.

Grief is the normal process of reacting to a loss. Emotional reactions of grief can include anger, guilt, anxiety, sadness, and despair. Physical reactions of grief can include sleeping problems, changes in appetite, and physical problems. Even though grieving is a very unique and personal experience, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes the five stages of grief:

 

5 stages of Grief

Even though grieving is a very unique and personal experience, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes the five stages of grief:

  1. Denial: refers to the period of grieving during which a person refuses to accept the reality of a situation.
  2. Anger: can be a natural response directed toward oneself, family members, even toward God.
  3. Bargaining: a person attempts to negotiate or make compromises. you may try to bargain to change the situation, agreeing to do something in return for being relieved of the pain you feel.
  4. Depression: Feelings of depression like sadness, loss of interest in activities you normally enjoy, changes in sleep, lack of energy, guilty feelings, and decreased concentration.
  5. Acceptance: Acceptance refers to the period of grief when we finally come to terms with accepting the reality of our loss. When we have reached this stage of acceptance, we no longer deny or struggle against our grief. During this time, we work to focus our energy on making plans for moving forward.


People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them. But it is helpful to know about them so we can understand our process and people surround us. It also helps to understand that it is a natural process, that we must allow ourself to live it and feel it, for the time it lasts. But we are not alone.

As we grieve, we cling to God’s promises:

  • He is by our side: The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18)
  • He heals us: He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)
  • He consoles us: Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (Matthew 5:4).

Grief is the Normal Process of Reacting to a LossFortunately, my cousin managed over time to overcome the grief that moving to another country meant, although she confesses that it still hurts. But this is not the case for many people I have had the opportunity to help and who can get stuck in some of the stages of grief.

One of the issues that I have frequently seen is when people remain stuck looking back, attached to the past, to the country of origin, without being able to look forward, to the future, or even to the present. The opportunity to look at the blessings that God gives us every day is lost. The person may express it with anger, sadness, constantly looking at and remembering what they lost, focusing on the loss most of the time, talking about it, remembering what they left behind, even in an idealized way. They may even express that they regret the decision to immigrate, or think about the possibility of returning every time there is a problem. Sometimes there are relationship problems or family conflicts when one of the family members continues to look back.

We see this difficulty of continuing to look back in a story from the Bible: Lot’s wife Genesis 19: 15-26

15 With the coming of dawn, the angels urged Lot, saying, “Hurry! Take your wife and your two daughters who are here, or you will be swept away when the city is punished.”… 16 When he hesitated, the men grasped his hand and the hands of his wife and of his two daughters and led them safely out of the city, for the LORD was merciful to them. 17 As soon as they had brought them out, one of them said, “Flee for your lives! Don’t look back, and don’t stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!”… 26 But Lot’s wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.

In the “People’s Bible,” Pastor Jeske noted that Lot’s wife continued to look back at the city that had been her home and where she had left her heart. Although we are not literally going to turn into a pillar of salt, we know excessive looking back and leaving our hearts in the country we are no longer in, will negatively affect the natural process that grieving should have. Clinging to material, earthly things is a tendency of our sinful nature. We see it equally in the warning that Jesus gave us to prepare for his next coming: “On that day no one who is on the housetop, with possessions inside, should go down to get them. Likewise, no one in the field should go back for anything. 32 Remember Lot’s wife! ” (Luke 17:31-32).

At the time we leave these things we left behind may seem so important and necessary. In my case I remember we left “valuable” things in a box in Venezuela. We had the hope of one day getting them back, but that never really happened. Today, I do not know where the box with “our valuables things” is, in fact I don’t even remember what was in it. We live temporarily. It is very important to learn to detach ourselves from material things, remember daily to set our minds on things above, not on earthly things. (Colossians 3:2).

If you are reading this blog and feel that this is your case, we invite you to reflect on your attachment to the country you left. Ask yourself what are you attached to in your country of origin? The family? The previous job? The material things you left behind? The traditions?.

The Lord is Close to the Broken Hearted
Once you have identified it, it can be useful to take some time to say goodbye to what you are still attached to that does not allow you to move forward. When a family member dies, we begin the grieving process with an event, the funeral, where we express our emotions, share with our loved ones and it is also a time to say goodbye to that person. This is not the case when we immigrate. It can be useful to dedicate some time to doing activities that will help you say goodbye to that past that you had in your country of origin:

Saying Goodbye

  • Say a good bye: think of this as a way of making the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. You can gather with your family or just by yourself, bring an object or photo that symbolizes your memories in your country. Take turns to everybody can say anything you need to say.
  • Write a letter, a poem, a diary: can provide an outlet for your emotional pain. You can also start a journal to record memories as they come to you.
  • Create a ritual: can help you heal and give you an opportunity to reflect on the past you left behind. You can release a balloon with a message, gather pictures with happy memories, or listen to songs that remind you your foreign country, but once again, take the opportunity to say good bye and thank God for the blessings during that chapter of your life.

We invite you to look at your Present, to remember that the most important thing is already with you today in this country and wherever you go. Sometimes Is hard to detach because we identify ourselves with the thing we lost. Your identity is beyond your profession, your citizenship, the things you have. Remember who you are today in Christ. This is your identity in Christ:

Your Identity

  1. You are a loved child of God: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life”. (John 3:16)
  2. You are redeemed: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1
  3. You are saved: “For its by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so no one can boast”. (Ephesians 2:8-9)
  4. You are forgiven: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness..” (1 John 1:9)
  5. You are fearfully and wonderfully made: “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” (Psalm 139:13-14)

Make a list of the blessings that God has given you and think about them daily.

Finally, we also invite you to look towards the Future with hope. Make yours the promise that God gave to his people of Israel when they were exiled in Babylon. They were away from their country and their culture and their families. They could take little or nothing with them.

“Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.” … For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:4-7,11-13

This entry is part 2 of 5 in the series The Immigrant Experience

Fears…

Peace in the middle of uncertainties

By Carolina Acosta

When I am afraid I put my trust in You. Psalm 56:3

The Immigration Experience series - Christian Therapist Network
When we immigrate to the country that we decided would be our new home we arrive with suitcases loaded not only with clothes but also with a lot of fears and expectations.

Those fears begin long before we actually enter another country. They begin from the moment we start thinking about the decision to immigrate. It is the fear of the unknown, Am I going to adapt? Will I find a good school for my children, a house that I like, a good job?

Another common one is the fear of failure. Many people make the decision to immigrate, taking a great risk when selling their properties, some even invest everything they have, materially speaking, to pursue that dream. Some others leave in their countries of origin all their belongings they worked for their whole life: houses, cars, companies, etc. That is why many people can spend years making the decision to immigrate with the enormous fear of failing and losing everything invested in it.

Fears also depend on personal circumstances. It is different to arrive in a country with a job, with enough money to start, with economic stability, and at least family support, than it is to arrive without money, without a job, without knowing anyone. There are people who had not even visited the country they want to immigrate to prior to immigration. Some have had the opportunity to plan. Others have had to leave all of a sudden with no time to prepare due to security, political, health issues, or personal circumstances. All these factors will determine the severity of the fears they feel.

 

Listing my fears

I took the opportunity to interview some friends and family members about their fears when they immigrated and this is a
summary list from it:

  • fear of being rejected (Xenophobia),
  • fear of not being able to learn the language,
  • fear of getting lost because they don’t know the streets,
  • fear of going to the store and not being able to understand what they need to buy,
  • fear of driving in the snow,
  • fear of learning to do different things like paying for services,
  • fear of safety,
  • fear of not finding friends,
  • fear of not finding a good school for their children,
  • fear of being alone,
  • fear of making the wrong decision,
  • fear of the legal situation,
  • fear that the immigration documents will not be approved,
  • fear that the family that stayed in their former country will get sick and not be able to see them again,
  • some are even afraid of having their children kidnapped, of losing them in some way.


I know for sure the list is longer and everybody can add their own unique fears that they encounter during this life experience of immigration.

Learning to manage our fears…

It is normal to be afraid at a time of change. As we mentioned before, we have big changes when immigrating. The problem becomes severe when this anxiety starts affecting us negatively in our life. Anxiety steals our joy. Anxiety does not allow us to think clearly. Anxiety can affect our decisions. It can paralyze us, even can make us physically get sick. This is why it is very important to learn to manage our emotions and be able to feel peace in the middle of the uncertainties.

Some people have a natural tendency to be more anxious than others. One reaction when we have this tendency is that we want to control the different situations in our life. In an immigration experience we cannot control everything. There are too many variables in the equation. Plus, we cannot control what we do not know. In many occasions, we get into a position that we just need to stay still, like God is commanding us to:

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Anxiety can provide us with an opportunity to see how God is in charge of organizing our lives for us, opening job doors, finding the right school for our children, the house we need, etc.

Trust map - A puzzle of fear solved when trusting in God - Immigration Experience - Christian 
 Therapist NetworkDuring these 25 years of my immigration story I have been by the side of many friends and family who have immigrated, and it has been wonderful to see how God developed his plan repeatedly, and of course, how He still does. I have been able to witness how He has been putting together everyone’s life puzzle according to His plan that He has prepared in advance.

In the Bible, there are so many stories about God helping his people during immigration experiences. One of them is when the Israelites led by Moses travelled in the desert about 40 years looking for the Promised Land. We can see miracle after miracle from the time they left Egypt until they finally enter to the Promise Land. God accompanied them, showing the way and provided for them materially and spiritually.

“The Israelites left Sukkot and camped at Etham, where the desert begins. By day, the LORD went before them in a pillar of cloud to show them the way; At night, he illuminated them with a pillar of fire. That way, they could travel day and night.  The pillar of cloud never failed to guide the people during the day nor the pillar of fire during the night”. Exodus 13:20-21

Immigrating becomes a life lesson of learning to Trust in God. “When I am afraid I put my trust in You” Psalm 56:3. It seems like a simple message. But those of us who suffer from anxiety know that it really is not that simple. It is a daily battle that we have to fight. But it is also an opportunity to learn to trust in God, not in people, not in our money, not in ourselves, but in God.

It can help us if we remember that when we were children and we were scared we ran into the arms of our parents. Our children may do that with us right now. In the same way, we must run into the arms of our Heavenly Father and find comfort in Him, and guidance for this new beginning. The more scared we are, the more opportunity we have to seek our Heavenly Father. Let us run into his arms. If perhaps you have not been so close to Him, then this is a perfect opportunity to get to know Him in His Word (God’s letters of Love to you). When we are most vulnerable and needy, then His Word will be a balm for our hearts and minds. We are going to be able to rest in His arms.

Resting in God means trusting Him. Trusting that if God solved my main problem, which is my salvation, of course he will be able to solve any problem or situation that the Immigration experience will bring. That is exactly what He want us to do, to trust him in every situation whether it is small or big. Then we are going to feel his Peace in our hearts and minds regarding any circumstances. Like God reminds us in his word:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Here are some PRACTICAL IDEAS:

  1. Identify your fears… “I am afraid of….” Pay attention to your “ What If…?”
  2. Share your fears. Talk to someone who is only willing to listen, without judging you… It is also possible to seek professional help if you feel it is necessary.
  3. Learn to confront your anxiety related thoughts. Understand that although I am afraid of… it does not mean that it will really happen.
  4. Ask yourself the question, “what is the worst thing that can happen?” Think that even when something bad happens God will be there too, helping us with solutions, giving us the strength and patience to endure any difficulties. We even has His promise He will use everything (good and bad) for the good of those who love Him.( Romans 8:28). Then we learn to rest in Him.
  5. Make a list of priorities, focusing on each of them, one at a time. It is like putting together a puzzle, one step at a time: school, home, work, etc.
  6. Choose a verse (or several) that will be your anchor for moments of anxiety. You can even memorize it. I heard one day that there are 365 verses in the Bible that talk about anxiety.
  7. Ask people close to you to pray for you.
  8. Remember self-care: in all aspects: mind, body and spirit. Strengthen your devotional life with your family, read the Bible, pray, go to church.
  9.  Take some time to do a physical activity that you like. Remember anxiety stays in the body. When we feel tense, we can even get sick because it weakens our immune system.
  10. Learn breathing and relaxation techniques.
  11. Sleep well.
  12. Avoid unhealthy coping skills. These are things like drinking alcohol in excess, substance abuse, emotional eating.

It is my prayer for you that this experience of immigrating becomes an opportunity to learn to trust and rest in God, in His plan, in the Holy Spirit that guides us making decisions, and that you live each day with your heart full of HIS PEACE, in the middle of all the uncertainties.

This entry is part 3 of 5 in the series The Immigrant Experience

Trust…

Peace in the middle of uncertainties / Trusting in God’s plan for our lives

By Carolina Acosta

Be strong and courageous. Don’t be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Words that Joshua received just before immigrating, entering the promised land. Words that I treasure in my heart, and understand perfectly, during my immigration journey in US, the Promise Land of opportunities, the land where the dreams come true.

God’s words are very appropriate to remember in an immigration experience which impacts not only the life of a person in different ways, but also the life of future generations: kids, grandkids, great grand kids, etc.

The US is considered one of the countries that has received more immigrants than any other society. There are many reasons why people migrate. People move in search of work or economic opportunities, to join family, or to study. Others move to escape conflict, persecution, terrorism, or human rights violations, environmental factors like natural disasters, etc.

In my case, the experience of immigrating began almost 25 years ago for work reasons. I was born in Venezuela, a country in South America. Although, when I think about it, I was born with the immigration in my veins, because my maternal grandparents emigrated from Spain and some islands in the Caribbean.

At the age of 28, my husband, my fiancé at the time, accepted a job offer to work in Miami, Florida. We got married and went on our honeymoon to start a new life full of dreams and illusions. I also remember some mixed feelings due to the separation from my parents, the rest of my family and friends, and the possibility of not being able to practice my profession as a psychiatrist. Although in theory we can say that it was immigration, Miami really feels like an extension of Latin America because of the weather, the Spanish language that predominates, and the number of immigrants that live there. Due to the proximity to Venezuela, family and friends frequently came to visit us, or we went to Venezuela.

God chose to truly let us know who He is, His love, and His promises, when we began to attend a Lutheran Church

In addition, my husband’s relatives also moved nearby, which quickly filled the feeling of loneliness and the need for family that I would feel at some point. They were 8 years of blessings, after blessings. Miami was the place that God chose to truly let us know who He is, His love, and His promises, when we began to attend a Lutheran Church. Other blessings came when my two children were born. It was also the place where my husband felt the call to be a Pastor, which is why we moved to Wisconsin for him to attend the seminary.

It was in Wisconsin, where I got to feel and fully live the experience of immigrating. There I can say that I fully experienced the CHANGE in all its expressions.

“Change” is a reality that goes hand in hand with the experience of immigrating. Usually there is a challenge when there is a change in just one area of our life. For example it might be a change of work, school, or neighborhood. But when we immigrate we experience a change in most areas of our life from one day to the next. We experience daily changes in culture, language, weather, commute time, traditions, food, worship styles, work, profession, among others.

Fear... sad 4 year old girl

We went to Wisconsin with the excitement of this new life and a meaningful life project, that felt like God Himself was calling my husband. But the emotions that came from those changes started hitting us since day one after our move. I remember, for example, the feeling of sadness when we were moving to Germantown, Wisconsin. My almost 4 year old daughter, who was very social and loved to talk, came home crying because she did not understand anything that some girls from the neighborhood were talking to her about. She was so frustrated that she asked us not to speak to her in Spanish anymore because she wanted to learn to speak English.

This was a frustration that I understood perfectly because I did not speak English back them and I couldn’t communicate with my daughter’s teachers, neighbors, my Christian brothers and sisters at church. I remember the feeling of shame and confusion when I met a man, a church member, and I kissed his cheek (as we do in Miami, and Latin-America) and he immediately blushed.

Then I learned about shaking hands is the appropriate way to greet here in the USA. There was also uncertainty and fear. Are we going to be able to adapt to the winter experience, since we never had experienced those extreme weather temperatures?. This fear was intensified with the comments of people when they asked me what I was thinking to move from Florida to Wisconsin! They almost looked at me as if it was the biggest mistake I could make. All because there was real winter in Wisconsin. I do not want to bore you with many other experiences. I just want to express that there were so many times with such strong feelings that I even felt like I wanted to go back to Miami very badly.

I missed Miami so much, my Church, my Spiritual father, my nephews, and nieces, my friends, my profession, the ocean where we used to go every weekend, Venezuelan and Colombian restaurants, my gym, my office, among others. This brings us to another very important word connected to this experience of immigrating. It is the word, GRIEF. Each one of us had to live our mourning with all its stages and emotions involved.

I remember my daughter, when she got frustrated by the language or other things at school, she would say, “I am going back to Miami.” She would sit on a bench in the hallway at school. Her teachers were so kind and patient. They allowed her to go back to Miami (a bench in the hallway) and return to Milwaukee (her classroom) when she was ready.

We were wrestling so strongly as a family with the anxiety of so many changes, including financial uncertainties; It took time to adapt to those changes. We had such feelings of loneliness and mourning what was left behind. I do not remember exactly when those feelings and emotions started to calm down. It was a process.

I learned that

Reflecting back…
I can now understand the things I learned that helped me in that process

  • I learned to fix my eyes and focus on what is permanent, on what never changes: God , his love and promises. … “for the Lord my God will be with me wherever I go”.
  • I learned the importance of detachment and the importance try “to be content whatever are the circumstances” …even in the middle of winter.
  • I learned that what gives value to a place, to a house, is not what it is worth, but the memories we have in them. So, I asked God for patience, to wait to build those memories again, with new friends, new people who God will put in my way.
  • I learned to accept change as part of life, not to resist change. Although it was not easy because the natural thing is to cling to what is known, to stay in the comfort zone. I learned to open up to new experiences, with new people from different countries, different cultures, new foods: Mexican food, German food, new celebrations (4th of July, Thanksgiving), new weather, the opportunity to learn a new language: English, Spanglish (Miami’s official language), and several versions of Spanish (Mexican, Puerto Rican).
  • I learned that God will open doors and opportunities to serve, even in another country. These opportunities could be in our career. These opportunities could come in a new career like happened to my husband who studied engineering in Venezuela and God called him to be a Pastor here in USA.
  • I learned to trust God’s plan, more than mine. I learned to trust that these changes are designed by the Creator of my life. When we decided to move to Miami, I never thought about the marvelous plan that God had for me: to know him in depth and to know who He is, his love, and His promises. Perhaps I would not have achieved that if I had stayed in Venezuela, because over there my focus was more on my profession as a psychiatrist.
  • I learned to surrender control of my life to God, to trust in his wisdom to move from here to there as he told Abraham, Moses, Joseph. Looking back, I can see how my immigration journey and my spiritual journey are intertwined. God knows me very well. He used those immigration experiences to prune the branches that were affecting my spiritual growth.


Someone asked me once if I would return to Venezuela, if I feel that Venezuela is my home. I have not been in Venezuela for many years, but the last times I went I did not feel part of there anymore…. My family has its own memories of experiences they had together where I was not. Friends changed, I changed; only memories remain.

That is why now I only cling to my royal citizenship.

The thing is, I do not feel completely part of here either. That is why now I only cling to my royal citizenship. We believers are strangers on this earth. My citizenship is in Heaven. The Bible describes us believers as “strangers on earth… longing for a better country, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them”. (Hebrews 11:13,16)

I know there is one place I definitely can call home since now and eternally: Heaven is my home, Heaven is my citizenship. Meanwhile I enjoy the ride here and over there, ups and downs, the variety in my kitchen: with arepas, tacos, sausages, brisket, the opportunities to meet people, and to spread the word even in different languages. But, I always remember to pray that God will help me to be strong and courageous.

Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged. For the LORD my God will be with me wherever I go: Venezuela, Miami, Milwaukee, or another place (or country) He has in mind for my future, until he calls me home.

This entry is part 4 of 5 in the series The Immigrant Experience

Mental Health and Spiritual Impact in the Immigration Experience

 

The IMMIGRATION EXPERIENCE

This is the first of a planned series of blogs on the subject of the mental and spiritual impact of immigration within a family which we plan to publish. We hope to have a new one each month over the course of the next year.

We feel that the impact of the immigration experience within a family has not been studied well. This work will not be heavily researched. It will be anecdotal and Christian, however.

Carolina Acosta is leading this project. The first blog is her personal thoughts on the impact of the immigration experience on herself. She is an immigrant from Venezuela to the United States and currently works as a counselor in Miami, Florida.

These are a list of topics we hope to cover:

  1. Fears… Peace in the middle of uncertainties/ Trusting in God’s plan for our lives :
  2. Overcoming grieving during immigration: The key my identity in Christ.
  3. When I did not make the decision to immigrate.
  4. Raising kids in another country / impact in second and third generation.
  5. Immigration : A lesson in detachment
  6. Words from an immigrant
  7. Words that describe the impact of immigration over three generations post immigration.
  8.  Words from an undocumented immigrant.
  9. Using my gifts and talents in another country.
  10. Learning to be content in another country.
  11. Dealing with loneliness feelings.


We invite you to share your comments and thoughts
by corresponding with Carolina.


We pray that, if you are a therapist or a pastor or a Christian who has had an immigrant experience across the generations of your family, that you will learn things from these blogs to help you in your personal understanding, your ministry, and your relationships within your family. Your input is appreciated.

May God bless you in this life and into eternity through the grace of Jesus, His Son!

This entry is part 1 of 5 in the series The Immigrant Experience

Nestled among the many comforting promises in scripture is one of my favorites:

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.”
Romans 8:26

When a new mother hears the wails of her baby, she offers care and comfort to her little one. The helpless child, so precious to her mother, can only groan and cry. In the same way, new mothers sometimes do not know exactly what to ask God, or possess the words to express what we feel. We cry out to our loving Father, who understands our wordless groans, knowing our emotions and needs far better than we do. With all wisdom and love, God nurtures us.

What a comfort this picture is, as new mothers cope with a wide range of emotions, extreme exhaustion, and major transitions. When we pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes between our disheartened groans and our loving Father’s listening ears. As the Spirit passes our cares on to the Father, He also reminds us of God’s promises. He points us back to our loving Jesus. He works through a loving family member who texts a poignant psalm, through the grade school memory work that resurfaces at just the right moment, or through a scripture notecard that your husband displays by the kitchen sink. After I had my third baby, I felt the Holy Spirit providing the words I needed—during the joyful moments and particularly during the trying times. As I reflect back on that time, I can also see how He interceded between my groans and my heavenly Father, who listened, comforted, and intervened.

I experienced postpartum depression after my first child was born. The stress of being a new mother and working in an emotionally demanding field fostered an already-present self-doubt. It took several months to feel emotionally balanced again. I groaned out to the Lord for reassurance and for peace, but often did not have the words. My second child was born in April of 2020, mere weeks after the COVID-related shutdowns took place. The social isolation and complex uncertainties of that time contributed to many dark days, again colored by despair. My cries to God were more desperate this time, and it was particularly challenging to find the words to convey my sadness, anger, uncertainty, and hopelessness. However, throughout my third pregnancy, God blessed me with mostly cheerful days. My prayers focused on my baby’s health, and the hope that I would continue to do well emotionally.

After my sweet baby came into the world this January, I was flooded with warmth and gratitude. The rush of oxytocin magnified the overwhelming love I had for my new baby, my two older children, and my husband. Happy and exhausted, I snuggled my newest little boy, also aching to see my other kids so I could embrace them, introduce them, and bask in the beautiful family God gave me. The Holy Spirit interceded to the Father with my grateful groans. The Holy Spirit pointed me to scripture…

“Every good and perfect gift is from above.”
James 1:17

He deepened my desire to have our son brought into God’s family through baptism the following day, and there were no words for my cries of joy. The Lord cares for my baby so much that He adopted him into God’s family, now and for eternity. (Ephesians 4:4-6).

Different groans followed in the coming weeks. A few days after we brought our tiny newborn home, several emotions surfaced at once. I was exhausted, anxious, overwhelmed, and was having difficulty expressing my feelings. I had a terrible cold and had difficulty catching my breath. Suddenly the combination of these physical and emotional factors became intense, as I felt a rush of panic, shortness of breath, and the fear that I would need to be rushed to the hospital. While I did not have the words to convey my desperation, I know that the Holy Spirit felt my terror and alarm. He provided comfort most immediately through my loving husband. The love and safety provided by my spouse reflected Christ’s complete care:

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Ephesians 5:25.

In the following days, I experienced foreign rushes of dread and irrational fears. I know that God felt and heard my terror, and that the Spirit translated my groans to the Father. After I shared my experience with my mom, the Spirit used her to remind me of Psalm 23. This part of scripture, so familiar that I often overlook it, was suddenly brimming with reassurance. Jesus was walking through the valleys with me, comforting me, personally guiding me. He is not a far-off, removed God, but one who is always there. He doesn’t always remove the hardships, but he is my steadfast leader and companion through them.

Sometimes I feared that my strongest anxiety would return (a groan that I had never experienced or uttered before). These raw words of Psalm 116 may sound a touch dramatic to a pampered 21st Century American, but they aligned with my fears in these worst moments.

“I was overcome by distress and sorrow…LORD, save me!”
Psalm 116: 3, 4

Within the same psalm, the Spirit reassured me that God hears and understands my groans, and reminded me of God’s mercy. “Our God is full compassion…when I was brought low, he saved me.” God did not immediately alleviate all of my anxiety, but he did something immeasurably better. He highlighted my helplessness. It was abundantly clear that I could not do this on my own. God reminded me that He is all-powerful and all-loving, inviting me to take refuge in his arms. Where I was weak, He was strong (2 Corinthians 12).

The Holy Spirit also answered my prayers in more outwardly observable ways. I was able to calm my mind by taking walks, crying, talking to loved ones, and connecting with a counselor and doctors. When my emotions were steadier, I was able to confront my negative thoughts with the truth: “I won’t always be this sleep deprived and overwhelmed.” “I don’t have to accomplish everything at once.” “I can ask for help.” I also believe the Holy Spirit convicted me on my over-use of social media, and how this fueled my anxious thinking, occasional anger, and comparison to others. He guided me to open to Bible app on my phone instead, meditating on Psalm 62’s reminder to trust in God to provide salvation, rest, and hope:

“Trust in him at all times, you people. Pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.”
Psalm 62:8

In the following months, my prayers and groans to the Father have continued. Am I a good enough mother? I lost my patience with the kids today…the guilt is strong. How can I provide every practical, emotional, and relational skill to my children? Sometimes the Holy Spirit used song to remind me of Scripture’s truths:

“I think I can’t, I think I can’t
But I think You can, I think You can…
Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands
place them in your hands
place them in your hands.”

For Moments I Feel Faint, by Relient K

I cannot give my children everything they need, but I don’t have to. I can point them to Jesus, who is the source of life and hope. I will fail and fall short, but Jesus more than makes up for my insufficiencies. Even in the dark moments, I can sing, dance, and praise Him.

“In the darkness I’ll dance, in the shadows I’ll sing!
The joy of the Lord is my strength!”

Joy of the Lord, by Rend Collective

In the months since having my baby, God has provided stability, alleviation of the worst anxiety, and countless moments of joy. Challenges and changes also still remain. On this journey of motherhood, I am ever more grateful for the one who does not change like shifting shadows. He is my refuge and strength, whose love endures forever. I am so thankful that he loves me—and my children—perfectly. He hears my groans and gives me comfort. He provides support, perspective, and resources. He gives life and hope through scripture. He gives me himself.

 


Author, Julie Straseske has also written for Forward in Christ magazine, May 2023 issue.