Prayer – Does it Make any Difference?

Victims may approach a relationship with God with distrust and a lot of questions. Philip Yancey is the kind of author that communicates well to such an audience. This book on prayer is not the standard instructional manual nor the straightforward encouragement to pray. As Yancey does in his other books, he takes the questions and objections of others seriously, and admits to his own doubts and struggles. For that reason, this book may be more “in tune” with the Christian who wonders how God didn’t seem to answer a cry for help or healing. Some other books on prayer are written with solid faith that never questions and ponders before arriving at the biblical truth. Hurting people may find that reading Yancey will remove some painful barriers to prayer.

I struggle with two common assertions about prayer. Some people credit prayer “working” when, in truth, God did all the “work” as a response to prayer. Admittedly, the Bible speaks in a similar way when it says, “The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective” (James 5:16 NIV). And neither the Bible nor Philip Yancey can be accused of treating prayer as though prayer has a mystical power and God is not the receiver of prayer.

“The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective” (James 5:16 NIV).

The other assertion some Christians make is that prayer is how you get to know God. Not: pray and learn about God from how he answers your prayers. Not: read what God says in the Bible and get to know God as you meditate on what He says. Sometimes writers assert that you pray and God speaks back to you, and you get to know God from this conversation. Yancey makes this assertion at the beginning of Chapter 5: “The main purpose of prayer not to make life easier, nor to gain magical powers, but to know God.” Isn’t prayer our side of the conversation with God? Doesn’t God’s side of the conversation come from the revelation about God on the pages of the Bible, and from experiencing how that revelation applies to our life? Yancey admits that he has not heard God’s audible voice. He admits that prayer often seems one-sided. Prayer is one-sided (unless it is defined as meditation on Scripture). Again, I admit that Yancey doesn’t define prayer as God talking to us as we talk to Him. He quotes Tim Stafford’s book Knowing the Face of God,

I am cautious in interpreting my impulses and feelings as messages from God. I do not want to take the Lord’s name in vain. I do not want to say, “The Lord told me,” when in reality I heard a mental recording of my mother’s voice. I have spent any number of hours talking to God, and he has not yet answered back in a voice that was undeniably his (page 56).

He talks about the experience of prayer as learning to speak to God about the world from his perspective, aligning our will with his as we pray. We begin to understand God, to know God as our prayers shift from what we want to what He wants. But I still question the statement that the “main purpose of prayer [is] . . . to know God.” Yancey doesn’t place this “knowing God” in the Scriptures, and without that explanation, will readers view prayer as the way to know God and as a result grow frustrated in the silence that follows their prayers?

To be fair to Yancey, and to challenge those who might not read his book because of such criticism (of a tiny part of the book, much counter-balanced by other statements he makes), Yancey examines prayer in such detail that many who have a simplistic view of prayer need to read his book so they stop making other false statements out of ignorance which also could frustrate those who struggle and seek God’s help. Yancey examines many questions such as the effect of a positive attitude or faith on recovery. His conclusions are far more nuanced and directed by Scripture and faith in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, than those who dismiss all discussion of how the body fights disease when teaching about God’s answers to prayer.

Yancey‘s kindliness to the suffering Christian who does not feel grateful, who is angry, resentful, and full of complaints was particularly moving. His consistent expressions of such grace may prove helpful and encouraging to those who have met rejection and frustration from Christians when they cry out in their pain. He mentions a mother who rejoices in the full time care of her invalid child, but then says, “By mentioning this woman I do not mean to compound the guilt of a mother who might wake up every day resenting the demands of her child . . .” (page 280). On the pages of this book, those who still struggle may find hope for their situation in the grace of God and in God’s promises. I was struck by this comment, “If I nurse a grudge and have not the strength to forgive, I present to God that wound, along with the one who inflicted it, and ask for strength I cannot supply on my own. (Could this be why Jesus prayed, ‘Father forgive them . . .’ from the cross rather than pronouncing, ‘I forgive you?’)” (page 313). This statement is followed by a story of a woman who interpreted praying for our enemies as applying to praying for the man who molested her daughter. She said she struggled daily to forgive and worried that by forgiving she’ll minimize the pain and suffering she caused. This example of what Yancey is talking about helps those who struggle to look closer at what Yancey just wrote about asking for strength to forgive.

The book contains many inserts—stories and comments by others that illustrate the point being made in that chapter, or provoking further thought. The inserts acted as a stimulus while reading each chapter, providing alternate voices to the authors.

A vast number of classic books have been written on prayer and Yancey catalogs many of the most famous. While I have a couple of other favorites, I would recommend this book to anyone who, having been deeply harmed by someone, has a spiritual struggle or feels estranged from God. I’ve not encountered a book that takes this pain as seriously as this book, and provides helpful and healing responses directed at hearts that have been betrayed.

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Author: Philip Yancey
368 pages

Reviewed by: James Behringer on June 9, 2015

Threshold

On the Threshold of Hope

ThresholdThis book is written by one of the leaders in the Christian community when it comes to understanding and counseling childhood sexual abuse (CSA). While Langberg speaks to survivors in this volume, it is also helpful reading for called workers, friends, relatives—anyone who is serving as a support system for those who have been affected by the sin of CSA.

Langberg not only has 25 years experience (as the book’s writing) of counseling CSA survivors, she also has a deep understanding of Scripture and a profound appreciation for the healing power of God’s Word.

Throughout the book she points to the Savior, Jesus Christ, not only as the Redeemer who lived for us and died for sin, but also as One who understands the pain of abuse. She writes,

You live in a world where you have encountered evil people. So did he. Some of you have known violence because of other’s twisted need to gratify themselves. So did he. He, too, has encountered darkness, chaos, and trash. He went to hell—the place of greatest darkness and chaos. He who is sovereign over all knows what it is like to have hideous things happen and not be in control. He who is our refuge knows what it is like to be unprotected, not only from the fury of the enemy but also from the wrath of God. He knows what it is like not to get what you need. He had no place to sleep. He who created food and water went hungry and thirsty (p. 165).

As the author walks the survivor through the healing process, she make it clear that the road to recovery is long and painful. Yet as the title implies, she indicates that there is a hope. This books helps survivors finds such hope, practically and spiritually.

If this sin has affected you, read this book. If you are a pastor, teacher, or staff minister, read this book. If you have a friend or family member who is helping someone who was sexual abused as a child, read this book. If you are a Christian counselor or social worker, read this book. You will learn what not to do and also what you can do to help victims of CSA become survivors.

Also see: Counseling Survivors of Sexual Abuse

Buy Now
Author: Langberg, Diane Mandt.
217 pages

Reviewed by: John D. Schuetze on July, 2015

Read the review by Sheryl Cowling, LCSW, BCPCC, BCETS

counseling

Counseling Survivors of Sexual Abuse

counselingDr. Langberg is one of the leading figures in the Christian community when it comes to counseling childhood sexual abuse. At the time when she wrote this book she had about twenty-give years of experience in counseling those who have been sexually abused as children. She not only understands the process of helping victims become survivors, but she addresses it from a Christian perspective. What is more, she is able to connect with the counselor and offer valuable and practical insights about what to do and not do to help victims. Even though much new information has been discovered and added to the field of trauma counseling in the past several decades, this book still has much to offer.

The book is divided into seven parts. In the first part Langberg writes about “Foundations to the Treatment of Sexual Abuse.” With the help of a case study, she walks the reader through the process of child development and how the trauma of sexual abuse can interfere with this process. She also provides definitions and explains the process of therapy. Her theology is markedly Evangelical, so the Lutheran reader will note that she reflects an Evangelical understanding of the image of God. Yet often her spiritual and biblical insights are helpful and the Lutheran reader will learn to appreciate her emphasis on the power and importance of the Word.

In the next three chapters the author works through the three phases of therapy and gives much practical advice. Langberg notes that a key part of the healing process is sorting out truth and lies, something that can be very difficult for victims. They may have been fed one lie after another by their perpetrators. In a sense their experience of abuse has taught them the lies that God does not care, that he does not answer prayer, that he is not all-powerful. Langberg notes,

When confronted with evil or terrible suffering, we find our faith in the goodness, love, and power of God to be profoundly shaken. As the survivor confronts her life without pretending, she will have to rework her faith so that her relationship to God is not predicated on denying the truth. Is God good, loving, and powerful even though the evidence in her life appears to scream to the contrary? In part, the crisis of faith is whether or not truth will be derived from life’s circumstances or from God’s Word (page 197).

Part five deals with some special considerations: dissociative disorders, false memory syndrome, and male survivors. This is helpful information for those who care for those who have been abused.

In the last two parts Langberg addresses the person of the therapist and the profile of a compassionate church. The final section is especially helpful for pastoral counselors as the Christian community has not always been a comfortable place for victims or survivors of CSA. The author provides a lengthy list of survivor’s needs and another of potential hindrances to effective helping.

This book demonstrates that while a pastoral counselor will want to refer a wounded member to competent clinical care, he will also want to provide the appropriate pastoral care that will help the hurting person make the transition from being a victim to a survivor of sexual abuse. Both play a vital role in the healing process.

Buy Now
Author: Langberg, Diane Mandt
299 pages

Reviewed by: John D. Schuetze on 5/20/2015

Rid of my disgrace

Rid of My Disgrace

Rid of my disgraceRid of My Disgrace – Hope and Healing of Victims of Sexual Assault

As a Christian psychotherapist, I found Rid of My Disgrace to be a very well-researched, thorough analysis of the issue of sexual assault from both a clinical and biblical perspective. This is likely a reflection of the co-authors, John Holcomb, a pastor and professor, and his wife Lindsey Holcomb, who has counseled victims of sexual assault and trained leaders to care for them.

They quickly establish a tone that is compassionate, supportive, encouraging and Christ-centered to victims of sexual assault. I appreciated their emphasis on how “God restores, heals, and re-creates through grace” (p. 15) in contrast to secular notions of healing based on self-help, self-healing and self-love.

The book is divided in to three parts. In Part One, titled “Disgrace,” the pair provides a thorough, detailed definition of sexual assault that emphasizes the traumatic nature of such an experience for both female and male victims. They offer facts and statistics that put the epidemic of sexual assault into a sobering, somber perspective. The authors detail potential biological, psychological, social and spiritual injuries that can result from sexual assault. Again, I appreciated that they draw the reader back to God’s ability to heal when they write,

What grace offers to the victim experiencing disgrace is the gift of refuting distortions and faulty thinking and replacing their condemning, counterfactual beliefs with more accurate ones that reflect the truths about God, yourself, and God’s grace-filled response to your disgrace” (p. 45).

In Part Two, titled “Grace Applied,” the pair offer vignettes written by both female and male victims of sexual assault. These testimonies convey emotions and experiences that grab the reader’s attention and empathy. They then write about denial, distorted self-image, shame, guilt, anger, and despair. These are approached from a perspective that seamlessly combines sound clinical information with scriptural references. They do note how forgiveness is different than reconciliation, although I wish they would have expanded upon this even more, as often the two are considered one, which can be a significant hindrance to forgiving. The pair consistently point the reader back to Christ and Scripture as the source for all comfort and healing.

In Part Three, titled “Grace Accomplished,” the authors talk about how sexual assault is the result of sin—against the victim and against God. “In addition to being a sin against others, sexual assault is also a sin against God because the blessing of sexuality is used to destroy instead of build intimacy” (p. 170). They note how sexual assault can change how victims relate to other people, and also how they relate to God. They go on to detail grace in the Old Testament, emphasizing that, “Not only does God hear, God also sees. And out of hearing and seeing, God knows the suffering of people” (p. 180). The authors end with a chapter about grace in the New Testament that focuses on the redeeming work of Christ on the cross. “The work of Christ is to deliver us from suffering, corruption, and death, as well as from sin” (p. 207).

Overall, I found the book to be very informative and thorough. Its strengths seem to be in the details about what sexual assault is and how it can impact victims, along with the need for Christ for complete healing. Pastors and loved ones of victims may find this especially beneficial.

The book may leave some victims wanting more detailed strategies about how to heal, as it is not a workbook with exercises that might help one to apply the knowledge contained in it.

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Author: Holcomb, Justin S. & Holcomb, Lindsey A.
288 pages

Reviewed by: Sheryl Cowling, LCSW, BCPCC, BCETS February 2015

Mending

Mending a Shattered Heart

MendingA Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts

If your world has been turned upside down and your heart shattered from finding out that your loved one whom you have trusted has lied and deceived you and is suffering from sex-addiction, this book was written with you in mind. The collection of writings from various authors who wrote this book seek to help you as you work through the questions and confusion you must be feeling.

The book is divided into two parts. Part One:

“For All Partner of Sex Addicts” addresses eight questions, the answers of which are “intended to support you as you begin to learn about sex addiction and what your options are as a partner of a sex addict.”

Part Two: “Specific Situations” contains “specific information about sex addiction based on your particular situations. Not every chapter will apply to you. Concentrate on what you need to know and leave the rest.” Examples of material in this section are (9) What you would choose to tell the kids depending on their age; (10) What if my partner shows an interest in minors; (12) Straight guise; and (14) Can we make it as a couple?

This book does not seek to give spiritual direction. Its reference to the twelve step model with the term “spiritual awakening” does not refer to Christ and the work of the Holy Spirit but returning to the “core integrity” of the person. The book presents sex addiction as a disease and does not address sin.

The appendage of the book includes “The Twelve Steps Sex Addicts Anonymous,” “Resource Guide,” “Recommended Reading,” “Notes on each chapter,” and “Biographical Sketches of the Authors.”

Personally I would recommend the book to a counselor, pastor, or person well-grounded in our Christian faith as a resource since the book does address questions a person may have that I might not even think of. The authors do suggest ways to approach and discuss the problem of addiction. The importance of sin and grace need to be supplied. The support of God’s grace and forgiveness is the only way to mend the shattered heart.

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Editor: Carnes, Stephanie
220 pages

Reviewed by: Elsa Manthey, April 2015

Porn and You

Porn And You

Porn and YouIn this self-published little book, Porn and You, author John Wong goes into a helpful discussion of pornography. He divides his discussion into two parts. The first part deals with what porn is and its harmful effect on you, your relationships to your children, spouse, and, just as importantly, your attitude towards women in general. Part Two takes one through the evaluation of whether you have an addiction to porn. Then Mr. Wong goes into a discussion of how to break free from this addiction. Lastly he concludes with a brief listing of on-line resources that one might find useful.

He encourages “meaningful engagement with our children on topics of human sexuality.”

In Part One Mr. Wong goes into a detailed discussion of “how porn harms” you in a variety of ways (psychologically, physically [Did you know that you can ‘break’ your penis?], and relationally). He also delves into the sordid and harmful issue of child porn, sexting and non-mainstream sexual behavior. He includes a plea to protect children by parents monitoring their child’s internet use. He encourages “meaningful engagement with our children on topics of human sexuality.” (p. 41)

Mr. Wong also deals with the harm it does to the performers of porn — a topic I have seldom heard discussed. The author quotes a number of “performers” and brings to life the very real harm that was done to them, both male and female.

In Part Two, “How to go porn free”, Mr. Wong spells out how to tell if you have an addiction to porn and if you do, he gives a number of helpful directions to free oneself from this addiction.

Throughout this little book Mr. Wong provides footnotes that are informative and enhances the point he is trying to make. For instance on page 47, he gives a footnote that identifies a book written by a former porn star, Jenna Jameson, and from which he pulls a lengthy quote. In addition the numerous quotes from a variety of people bring the harm of porn to life.

One thing lacking (from a Christian perspective) is the absence of Scriptural references. But then again, Mr. Wong, makes no specific references to God’s morality as a reason to seek release from porn’s addiction. He argues instead from the perspective of the psychological and physical harm that is done. All in all anyone will find this book informative and helpful.

Reviewer: Rev. John F. Boehringer
Review Date: February 2015

No Stones

No Stones

No StonesThis book is a serious, thorough resource for women struggling with sexual addiction. It gives a realistic view of the problems of women’s addiction, noting the ways it differs from men’s. In the book, No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction, Marnie Ferree doesn’t offer quick fixes but she does guide the reader toward hope and recovery.

“When we experience enough grace from human hands, we begin to trust that God also extends his grace.”

This book is not an “easy read” but rather is to be used as a study guide or textbook for sessions. Each chapter ends with questions for reflection or small group discussions.

The book’s structure is made up of three parts:

  • Part 1: The Problem – Women Caught in Adultery- Secret Sin – Definition of Addiction- Consequences and Cycles of Addiction- Diagnosis of sexual Addiction.
  • Part 2: The Root- Sins of the Fathers and Mothers- Unhealthy Families- Trauma of Abuse and Abandonments Long-Lasting Effects- Addicts’ Core Beliefs, Emotions, and Coping
  • Part 3: The Solution – Woman at the Well –Surrender and Sobriety –Disclosure – Healthy Relationships and Rebuilding Trust – Tools of Recovery – Healing From Trauma- For Husbands (and others including clinicians) -12 Steps of Sexaholics Anonymous.

The author uses Law and Gospel throughout the book – the Law to point to the sins and God’s voice on sexual addiction, the gospel showing God’s grace in that he does not condemn. To those “caught in adultery” (as the woman brought to Jesus) we see that the condemners must put down stones of condemnation and offer a way out. Even the Master said, “Neither do I condemn you.” (John 8:11)

In some areas of her book, Marnie Ferree broadens her interpretation of what Scripture says to fit the situation she’s describing. Careful reading would be encouraged. This book provides information for a pastor or counselor who is supporting women as for help with this problem.

No Stones: Women Redeemed From Sexual Addiction

By Marnie C. Ferree

Forward by Mark Laaser,Ph.D.
Publishing Information: InterVarsity Press : First Edition 2002, Second Edition 2010

Reviewer: Muriel Mathey
Review Date: April 2015

Every Woman's Battle

Every Woman’s Battle

Every Woman's BattleThis book attempts to cover sexual and emotional issues effecting women. It’s easy to read and deals with sound principles based on Scripture. The book emphasizes that women struggle with sexual sins just as men do, but in different ways. The author points to the daily need to fight to live as children of God.

“The only reliable standard we can use to measure our thoughts to determine if they are appropriate or inappropriate is God’s Word.”

The book is divide into three parts:

  • Part 1: Understanding Where We Are – Not just man’s battle, Sexual integrity, Seven Myths that intensify the struggle, time for a revolution
  • Part 2: Designing a New Defense – Taking thoughts captive, Guarding your heart, Locking loose lips, Building better boundaries
  • Part 3: Embracing Victory in Retreat – Sweet surrender, Rebuilding bridges, Retreating with the Lord, All quiet on the home front

I particularly appreciated that she began and ended each chapter with Scripture passages that applied. “The only reliable standard we can use to measure our thoughts to determine if they are appropriate or inappropriate is God’s Word.”

Reading this book would be beneficial to singles, divorced, widowed or married women. Men, also, would benefit from reading the book to gain insight into women’s battles and how they differ from men.

Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fullfillment by Shannon Ethridge

Forward and afterward by Stephen Arterburn
Publishing Information: Alive Communications, Inc. Colorado Springs, CO

Reviewer: Muriel Manthey,
Review Date: March 2015

Is it my fault?

Is It My Fault?

Is it my fault?The book begins by defining abuse as “not necessarily physical.” Emotional abuse can be just as damaging – and at times more so. Ethicist Wolfgang Huber argues that “violence is better defined as the intent to hurt or torture, more than physical injury. Violence is the unrelenting assault on human dignity.”

“Your situation does not fall outside God’s reach of transformation.”

This book is meant for:

  • Victims and Survivors of Abuse
  • Pastors and Ministry Leaders
  • Friends and Family of the Abused
  • Women in General

While the authors indicate that there are men who are abused by their partners, they are a great minority. Thus the book is written to females, though males can certainly gain insight into the problems as victims as well.

This book is well written and very comforting in its understanding of the effects of violence, physical, sexual and emotional, on women. The authors insist throughout the book that only the abuser is at fault – that it is never the fault of the abused. They continue to assure that God has not abandoned the abused – that God sees and recognizes their pain and will help.

Since, often, the abuser will say that the woman is to “submit” to her husband, using a Biblical concept as an excuse to justify the continued violence, this book points to Bible passages and looks at what Jesus has to say about women, and what God has to say about suffering.

The Bible indicates that there is no virtue in enduring suffering if no greater good is at stake. We are not created to suffer. Examples given are Noah ,the Patriarchs, David, Israel at the times of the Judges, Esther, Paul, and even Jesus. Jesus walked away from people who wanted to stone him. David ran from Saul. The entire book of Judges is about suffering and getting away from it by the actions of God. God will often provide a way to escape from violence by normal, natural means. “Your situation does not fall outside God’s reach of transformation. God delivers, but sometimes the deliverance we hope for does not arrive as quickly as we’d like. Therefore….our hope is in the promise of deliverance. We can look to the future and the final deliverance with the return of Christ and we can actively position ourselves to avoid violence that is avoidable.” (p.124)

I would recommend this book to victims as well as counselors and pastors for insight as the depth of fear that can hold a victim in its grasp.

Is It My Fault? by Justin S. & Lindsey A. Holcomb

Reviewer: Joan Garrity
Review Date: September 2015

The Talk

The Talk

The TalkThe Talk is an excellent resource that provides a step-by-step, biblically-based approach to talking with your children about sexuality.  In our sexually saturated culture, our children are in danger of being introduced to sexual misinformation and secularized values about sex at a very early age.  Luke Gilkerson wisely advises, “Foremost, when it comes to parents teaching about God’s purposes for sex, being first is critical.  Parents should want to be their child’s first and primary source of information about sex.  And in a sexually broken world, filled with ungodly messages, waiting as long as possible to talk about sex is a risk no parent should be willing to take (p. 3).”

Foremost, when it comes to parents teaching about God’s purposes for sex, being first is critical.

The Talk is recommended for children ages 6 to 10, and is laid out in 7 structured devotions.

The topics covered include:

  • differences between men and women, including the differences between male and female sexual organs
  • a description of sexual intercourse and how babies are conceived
  • the development of human life
  • the bond that is created between a man and woman through sexuality
  • the sin of adultery
  • rape and sexual abuse (with an emphasis on talking to parents regarding any inappropriate touch)
  • the importance of honoring God with our bodies.

Each devotion is based on a portion of Scripture which emphasizes God’s love for us, and the guidelines he has given us regarding sexual behavior.  The chapters are laid out in a “script form,” and can be read word for word or adapted as a parent is comfortable.  The first few chapters include detailed diagrams, as well as links to free videos that can be watched through IntoxicatedOnLife.com.  Each devotion begins with questions that review the previous lesson, and ends with a prayer, as well as questions that encourage discussion and point to God’s love and guidance.

As a parent of young children, I have always made an effort to answer any questions my children had about sexual matters honestly.  However, I did not have plans to get into more detailed explanations for at least a couple years.  Reading this book led me to completely reconsider that mindset.  As a counselor I often work with adults who received unhealthy messages about sexuality at an early age, and continue to suffer the consequences.  I realized that I want my children’s first messages about sexuality to be the truth rooted in God’s Word, and The Talk provides a clear and comprehensive guide to do that.

I recently went through this book with my 9-year-old and 7-year-old, and it was a very rewarding and enjoyable experience. They were able to ask questions and share their thoughts in a safe and open environment, and they came away amazed at the way God has made our bodies and how He creates life.  I highly recommend this book to any parent committed to teaching their children God’s love and truth about sexuality.

The Talk by Luke Gilkerson

Reviewer: Sarah Reik, Licensed Professional Counselor, WLCFS Christian Family Solutions
Review Date: February, 2017