porn

Pornography Makes Empty Promises

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Micah remembers the first time he viewed sexually-explicit material. He was with some friends. One of them had a magazine he found at home hidden in the garage. It was full of arousing images of women. Micah remembers how he was awash with both excitement and guilt. He soon found himself fantasizing about those images and also scheming ways that he might be able to view more of them.

Pornography is sexually explicit material that degrades and dehumanizes men and women for the purpose of sexual self-gratification. These days it comes in many forms. The most prolific venue is the internet. It provides a myriad of content one can view anonymously. Much of it is also free of charge.

Pornography makes promises it cannot deliver. It promises sex without consequences. Porn promises to be harmless. It also promises to satisfy. Those are empty promises. There are serious consequences to regular consumption of pornography. There are physical, emotional, and spiritual consequences.

Over time, pornography loses its ability to satisfy. The desire to view porn intensifies, however. The craving for more leads a person to seek out more risky behavior and risqué material. This can lead to inter-relational problems. It breaks heart and severs engagements. Emotional and sexual intimacy between spouses is diminished. Prolonged use of pornography can lead to further sexual additions and pathology. Instead of leaving a person satisfied, pornography most often leaves a person feeling empty, guilty, shamed, and even depressed. Above all, pornography ruins the bond of love and commitment the Lord intended to exist in marriage.

Sexual sins are never static. Like all sin, sexual ones progress and draw people further away from God’s design for love. Many people feel that porn is innocent and not really sex. And so, people will use it to reward themselves. People will seek porn to relax or to unwind after a long day.

The Bible is very clear that pornography is a sexual sin. Sex is meant to be a beautiful expression of love in marriage. Satan tries to distort and destroy that gift. The reality is that pornography always hurts. It always lies. And it is never secret or anonymous. People think they can hide parts of themselves from others. Nothing is hidden from Christ, however. Not even sexual sin escapes his sight. The Bible tells us as much:

I am he who searches the minds and hearts. And I will give to each one of you according to your works.  Revelation 2:23

That should be enough to make us flee from such temptations. Our flesh is weak, however. We all make bad choices and those choices lead to sad consequences.

It is important to know the triggers that lead to unhealthy choices. Avoid internet platforms that promote pornography. Do not use electronic devices in private. Install accountability software. Remember HALT.

H – hungry
A – angry
L – lonely
T – tired

Recognize those triggers. Be intentional and seek out someone to be an accountability partner to encourage healthy choices. It is best this is not a spouse or significant other. And be honest. The path of healing from sexual sin is to practice disclosure. This is how healing and forgiveness begins. At the heart of sexual sin is betrayal. Trust has been broken. Honesty is the first step in healing broken trust. Be honest. Be open. Confess and disclose your unhealthy sexual behavior with your partner. And disclose to your Savior. While Jesus already knows your sin, he is always ready to forgive them.

Remember you are loved. Sexual sin is forgiven sin. Jesus’ blood cancels out all sin. He sees and knows you. And still, he loves you.

Jesus will hold hope for you as he heals you to hold hope in yourself. And that takes time. Identify your spouse’s love languages. Speak to those languages in deliberate ways with sincere action. Trust is built gradually. As you speak in those love languages, you are speaking directly to the trust that has been betrayed. Betrayal needs time to be healed. Words + Actions + Time = Rebuilt trust. Trust is rebuilt slower than we want, but always faster than we deserve.

Above all, trust that Christ is your Savior. Find forgiveness in his promise and strength in his presence. He will not leave you alone. He will feed you with his promised love. He will calm your troubled hearts. His presence combats your loneliness. And his forgiveness provides peace to tired, guilty hearts.

So, H.A.L.T. Jesus is the healing salve to all those needs.

 

Prayer

Jesus, I am dealing with pain over sexual sin. You promise to be with me. I trust in you. Help me to stand firm and to find freedom from the power that pornography holds over my impulses and choices. Amen.

Shame – Child of God

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Make a list of some things you think you are good at. Is shame on that list? Probably not. It should be, though. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are all good at shame. It’s been said that children begin to experience shame as soon as fifteen months of age. We are good at it because we’ve been practicing it for a while now.

Shame is destructive. It has a way of crumbling the image we have of ourselves. Some people might call this “self-esteem.” Self-esteem is that inner sense of worth or value that gives us elasticity when we are criticized or questioned. It’s sort of like a gauge that measures how a person feels or evaluates this concept of self-worth.

There is healthy self-esteem and unhealthy self-esteem. A healthy view of self does not mean someone is arrogant or proud. An unhealthy view may indicate self-hate or despair, however. As St. Paul says in Romans 12:3, we need to measure our sense of value and worth with honesty and fair-mindedness.

A low self-esteem can be dangerous because it leads to shame. Shame is extreme guilt. Guilt is that inner voice of the conscience that tells us, “I made a mistake.” Shame internalizes that statement to say: “I am a mistake.”

This can lead a person to unhelpful conclusions. Shame leads to feelings of self-hate, despair, lack of trust in God and others, overly competitive nature, need for constant praise and attention, and even to suicidal thoughts. Our self-esteem is in danger when we allow others to assess our value rather than listening to God’s assessment of our worth and value.

There are many Bible verses that speak to God’s assessment of our value and worth. One I like to share is as follows:

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well.

This passage encourages us to consider new thought patterns about how we see ourselves. It also exposes the lies that shame would have us believe. Far from being a mistake, you are wonderful to your Savior! Replace the list of lies shame tries to sell you with affirmations of value and worth spoken by your Lord.

Make a list of the positive traits, qualities, talents, or abilities which only God has given to you. Focus on that list and know that God made someone wonderful when he created you. Now, that you have a list which describes who you are in the Lord’s eyes, craft another list that speaks of whose you are!

You are loved by God. You are his child. You are the apple of his eye. You are his new creation. You have eternal value and worth to him. Who you are (a child of God) finds meaning and purpose in whose you are (dearly, loved, and cherished in Christ).

Now, that is a boost of encouragement. We are important to God. We are created and loved by him. We may not always be good at remembering those things. Now that we know them, however, we can put them into practice.

 

Prayer

Thank you, Lord for reminding me that I am your precious child. Help me to always remember how much I mean to you. You love me with an everlasting love, and my life has value and purpose right now. I am not a mistake. I am wonderfully and fearfully made. Thank you for making me your very own in your Son, Jesus Christ, my Lord. Amen.

 

forgiven Child

Guilt – The Forgiven Child

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I remember when I was young, and I did something terrible.  I stole a piece of candy from the local drug store.  I wasn’t very smart in my thievery, though.  As soon as we were in the car, I sat in the back seat and began to enjoy my ill-gotten booty. That’s when my mother caught me.

Immediately, she turned the car around, marched me into the store, called for the store manager, made me apologize, and pay for the candy. Oh!  The guilt! I remember feeling red hot and exposed and weighed down by a burden of wrong.  And all that for a piece of “Bit O; Honey!” Yuck!

Guilt is a feeling of deep regret and responsibility for some action.  Now, there is real guilt and there is felt guilt.  Real guilt is the kind Adam felt in Genesis 3.  Adam was led to realize that his doubt and disobedience had broken the bond he shared with the LORD God. He knew that God’s penetrating gaze would see through to his guilt and failure.  When God confronted Adam with his sin, he refused to accept responsibility and tried to excuse himself by blaming Eve.  That’s when the “blame game” began.

Adam and Eve had real guilt.  They had broken a moral principle or law which the LORD God had established.  There is a difference between being guilty and feeling guilty, however.  Sometimes, people get blamed or punished for things they didn’t do.  This can lead to feelings of worthlessness.

We learn something from how the Lord dealt with Adam and Eve.  It is important that people verbalize their feelings of guilt, whether real or felt.  This is often the first step to the healing of forgiveness.  The real guilt we feel, which is triggered by the Holy Spirit, leads to an honest admission of guilt (we call that “Confession”) as well as to hear the promise of forgiveness (we call that “Absolution”).

Real guilt leads to repentance and restoration.  False guilt leads to regret and failed expectations.  Either way, guilt feels like a hot flame that exposes and a heavy burden that crushes.  God is not a burden, though. He is the burden-bearer. There is a Bible passage that reminds us of this truth:

 

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Psalm 68:19

God, our heavenly Father, placed our sins on Jesus Christ at Calvary.  He quenched the flame that exposes and he removed the burden that crushes. Our risen Savior daily calls us to cast our burdens on him because he cares for us (Matthew 11:28-30).

The Lord is gracious and loving. The commandments that he gave were designed to keep us safe and free to love him.  That means we must be free from the burdens of guilt.  And we are!  Even when we mess up, there is no condemnation for those who trust in Christ (Romans 8:1). That means God continues to forgive our sin and “wipes out [our] transgressions,” remembering them no more (Isaiah 43:25).

We may have to live with consequences of our choices, but never with the weight of guilt.  We can find the ability to turn off the mental voice recorder of Satan who tries to accuse us.  Jesus said, “It is finished!” (John 19:30) That means Satan’s accusations of guilt (real or felt) are cancelled.  Jesus says so.

It might help to have a “guilt bucket.”  Every time you feel guilt sneaking up on you, write that feeling on a piece of paper and throw it in the bucket as if to bury it in Easter’s empty tomb.  This is especially helpful for people dealing with felt guilt.  Forgiveness means freedom.  And freedom from guilt means we can live anew for Christ.  Freedom from guilt means we are free to show kindness to others.  We are freed to practice forgiveness in our relationships.  This helps us move past the powerful feelings of guilt.

And guilt is powerful.  The Lord God uses it to show us where we have gone astray and need to be honest with him in forgiveness.  On the other hand, guilt can be a prison that locks us away from the joy of forgiveness we have in Christ.  Know the difference.  Know that you are freely and fully forgiven in Christ.  That’s because God declares us to be forgiven children in his Son, Jesus. That is God’s promises whether we feel it or not.

 

Prayer

Lord, sometimes I am embarrassed to admit my sins and mistakes.  Yet you know me as I really am. You know my sinfulness. Even more important, you know me as your forgiven child in Christ Jesus, your Son.  Assure me that I am forgiven and loved by you.  Amen.

 

Psalm 32:1-11

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Using Psalm 32 as a model or template for repentance.

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Psalm 23:1

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Using Psalm 23 for symptoms of depression.

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II Corinthians 5:19 – others

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The Child of God Counseling* uses II Corinthians 5:19 when a person has trouble forgiving someone else.

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lighthouse

Be Still

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The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Psalm 46:10

Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. Psalm 107:28-29

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. Mark 4:39

Perhaps you are a laid-back person by nature. But no matter how laid back you may be, we all definitely have moments of anxiety and worry. They often come in the middle of the night, and they can feel similar to storms that arise out of nowhere in our heads—waves of insecurity, what-ifs, unknowns, and to-do lists. In those moments, God’s clear commands throughout Scripture to BE STILL invite you to look through the fog to His Word that can serve like the beacon from a lighthouse. They aren’t just calming words He says to placate us. There is power behind those words—the power of the LORD Almighty. He’s the One who fights for us. He’s the Fortress we run to. He’s the Calmer of all of our storms.

What storms do you need God to calm for you right now? What’s standing in the way of God’s command to be still? How can you remind yourself daily of God’s power and control?

Something that may be helpful in the middle of the night: Take a deep slow breath, and while you’re breathing in, say the words, “Be still.” Hold your breath as you picture your mind as a sea growing ever calmer until it is as still and clear as glass. Then breathe out and say, “and know that I am God.” Picture all of your worries flowing out through your breath into the arms of Jesus, who has invited us to give Him all our burdens, and who has the power to do something about them.

Prayer

Be still, my soul; your God will undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He lived below. Amen.

Hymn 415 vs. 2

forgiveness

Forgiveness – Joseph

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Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

What is one of the first Bible stories (truths) that really made an impression on you? Maybe you were a child, or maybe you were an adult, hearing one for the first time. Was it the account of Noah fitting all those animals onto an ark? Or was it Jonah getting swallowed by the fish? Maybe it was the miracle of Jesus walking on water—or rising from the dead.

There is a beautiful story in the Bible involving a man who was wronged forgiving his brothers who had wronged him. Joseph is the man who was wronged by his brothers. They had hated him and almost killed him, and then sold him as a slave to Egyptians instead. He hadn’t seen them for years, and when he told them who he was they were terrified, because now he was in a place of power to exact his revenge. But he didn’t. Instead he hugged them and kissed them and wept over them. He told them to not be angry with themselves for what they did, because he had come to see that what happened to him was all part of God’s plan. He talked with them and fed them and gave them and their families the best part of the land of Egypt to live in. What an amazing demonstration of forgiveness! (Check out Genesis 45 if you’ve never read it—or even if you have!)

Forgiveness is a difficult gift to give to someone. While there are ultimately benefits to giving forgiveness, initially it involves tremendous sacrifice. Have you ever experienced that? Have you ever been hurt so deeply by another person that you can’t imagine moving beyond it? Have you felt the burden of knowing forgiveness is what God asks of you (Luke 17:3-4), but having no idea where to start and not really wanting to? When we forgive, we give up the right to receive repayment for the wrong someone has done to us, and that is not easy. When forgiveness seems impossible, remember this:
God gives us the motivation and the ability to forgive. He modeled it through His Son, and He empowers us through His Spirit.

We forgive because we have been forgiven. We who are the “worst” of sinners (I Timothy 1:15) are invited to consider these beautiful truths about God’s forgiveness of us:

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:11-12

Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD.
“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. Isaiah 1:18

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace. Ephesians 1:7

For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more. Hebrews 8:12

(Just want to make sure you caught this one. Have you ever stayed up at night thinking about sins you’ve committed in the past? God doesn’t think about them—he doesn’t even remember them!)

God’s forgiveness involved tremendous sacrifice! It involved the sacrifice of His Son. Jesus took all of our sins on Himself and took the punishment for them so that no repayment will ever be expected from us. Read His promises when you have trouble feeling forgiven yourself, and read His promises when you have trouble forgiving someone else. God promises us that His Holy Spirit uses those words to empower us to do what He asks.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-25

The account of Joseph and his brothers is a beautiful story of forgiveness. We are part of a beautiful story of forgiveness too. May God fill you with love and strength as you live out that story with the people He has put in your life.

Prayer

Dear God, it is amazing to me that when You look at me you don’t see my sin! Thank you for the sacrifice of Jesus that gave that to me, and help me be confident of Your forgiveness when I struggle with guilt. Help me to view the people around me with those same forgiving eyes and compassionate heart. Amen.

Jesus Died so I could Live

Who Has Control

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Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? Job 38:5-7

We all like to be in control. It’s why some of us are planners, why some would rather drive than fly, why many of us would rather be the driver than the passenger. In our minds we often struggle when we have to hand over control to others. When faced with a potential problem we can move into “solution mode”. What do I need to do? Where do I need to go? How can I fix this? Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t. But often times we encounter things that are entirely out of our control. At those times our first instinct is to panic. Now what?

God has to teach us to react differently. Perhaps that’s why He gave us the book of Job. Though it may seem a little strange, considering the content, it can be one of the most comforting books in the Bible. Job’s life was out of control, and in the end he didn’t even get any answers—no solutions about how to change things or what he should have done differently. He got bad advice from friends, and then he got a bunch of questions from God. But in those questions we see Who is ultimately in control: God.

He was in control at creation (Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb?). He controls the weather (What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed, or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?). He controls the animals (Do you hunt the prey for the lioness and satisfy the hunger of the lions?). He controls justice (Do you have an arm like God’s, and can your voice thunder like his?). He was in control of Job’s life (Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised), just as He is in control of ours. And He’s in control of our death, with a promise of eternity that is just as real as Job’s was:

I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another.

How my heart yearns within me! Job 19:26-27

Knowing that our lives are in the hands of a God so powerful—that He who controls the universe also directs our steps—is only comforting because of who God is and what He has done. If Job can serve as one of the most comforting books of the Bible, Romans 8 is one of the most comforting chapters. God’s power and control over us is rivaled only by His love for us. So instead of panicking when something is out of our control, we can rest secure, convinced of the truth that:

Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

PRAYER

Lord God, I struggle with control. I know you are always in control, but it doesn’t always feel like it. I get overwhelmed and think that I need to be in control of my life. Jesus, you are my life. You are my refuge and strength in good all things. Give me the peace of mind to know that you are always in control as you direct and guide my life according to your good and gracious will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

grateful

Worthy of Gratitude

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Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights. James 1:17

Did you spend some time focusing on what you’re grateful for this past week? If you did, you may have greatly improved your physical and emotional health. Over the past 20 years, numerous research studies have found that practicing gratitude on a regular basis has amazing positive effects. Being thankful can lower your blood pressure, improve your sleep, reduce depressive symptoms, enhance your long-term happiness, increase your self-esteem, improve your relationships, and even change and rewire your brain. People in all parts of the world and in all types of circumstances are recognizing the value in noticing and naming something to be grateful for every day.

For many, gratitude is simply a positive mindset or a good feeling, with the focus on gifts in this life. As Christians, we don’t just have something to be grateful for, we have Someone to be grateful to! Our focus is on the Giver of those gifts—the Source of all of our blessings, both in this life and in the next. Consider what Scripture tells us about the One who is worthy of our gratitude:

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. I Chronicles 16:34

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. Psalm 107:8

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our LORD Jesus Christ. I Corinthians 15:57

We give thanks to you, LORD God Almighty, the One who is and who was, because you have taken your great power and have begun to reign. Revelation 11:17

We don’t just practice gratitude because of the many health benefits or because it makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside (though it’s pretty cool of God that it works that way). We practice gratitude because it is the natural response to learning more about our God who gives us “every good and perfect gift.” So how do we thank Him? It’s one thing to feel gratitude, but how do we live it out? The Bible gives us a couple of ideas:

With our words and actions: And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the LORD Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

With our worship: Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe. Hebrews 12:28

With our prayers: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6

With our gifts: You will be enriched in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. 2 Corinthians 9:11

With our service to others: Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. I Peter 4:10

With our testimony: I will give thanks to you, LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds. Psalm 9:1

As we look forward to our Savior’s second coming, let’s turn our focus from the blessings we have to the One who has blessed us, looking forward to the day we get to thank Him in person. As good as gratitude can feel, nothing will compare with that!

Prayer

Dear Father, thank you for all the blessings you continually give us—for everything we need in this life, and for everything we need for eternal life. Keep our focus on you as the Giver of it all, and empower us to live out lives of gratitude until we see you face to face. Amen.